Hi, I have been with my husband for 16 years; I suffered a miscarriage 15 years ago, and have never forgotten that child’s age...

By anonymous on 24/02/2008
Hi, I have been with my husband for 16 years; I suffered a miscarriage 15 years ago, and have never forgotten that child’s age. Then we bought our first home and had years on our own before deciding on a family. I finally fell for my first child (now nine). While pregnant, sadly my sister died and my husband and I took on her daughter who was four months older, later adopting her. There are seven months between them. I now have another daughter who is five. Life is good.

My husband always said he did not want any more children. I accepted this although deep down I would have liked more. Then I waited and waited for him to make appointment for a vasectomy and he never did. But I had to come off the pill for health reasons last year. Then – shock, horror - my husband last April suffered a massive heart attack. He is on medication for the rest of his life. He works still but the tablets he is on makes him depressed and he has been a different person since - highly strung, tired, no motivation.

Now I have just discovered I’m 7 + weeks pregnant. My mind is all over the place, I have three children already; we cannot afford to move but in my heart I feel so strongly against a termination. I’m so confused. My husband does not want to know. He says we cannot cope mentally and financially. I know he is right but in my heart I feel it’s meant to be. I feel he is pushing me to get rid of it. I decide I think it will be best but the next day I feel different. I feel I’m putting pressure on him. He won’t accept he has a bad heart but I’m torn. What is the right thing?

I feel we could split up if I have it or if I don’t. I feel I am in a no win situation. I think it must be fate. It may be a boy. It could lift his spirits again to enjoy life but he is adamant he does not want this baby and will not talk to me about it. He is 40 now; I’m 36. We are in financial trouble too, but it’s controlled and I feel we will cope but how do I decide and change four people’s lives for the sacrifices they will all have to make? Or do I do what I’m against and they don’t have to suffer? But I’m scared of the after thoughts...

Editor’s note: Thank you for sharing your story with us…You are clearly ambivalent – in two minds – about your situation. Your head is telling you negative things about your circumstances and your heart as telling you that you really don’t want a termination. Feeling so strongly ambivalent, you are at higher risk of emotional difficulties after a termination. It might help you a little to consider the fact that circumstances can always change, admittedly, for worse or better, but it’s difficult to heal one’s own heart when it’s in pain. Please talk to someone confidentially at your nearest centre, on the helpline or Online Advisor, to gain a better understanding of your options and to have time to explore your feelings before making a decision.

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