It’s me again....the 26 year old mum who has the partner in France.
He flew to England last week, to collect me and my son, and to take us to the airport for a little holiday with him at his house, and when we got to the airport, he pretended to choke and never got on the plane! I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I'm so hurt and confused and angry. All I wanted was to be a family again and he was so beautiful and kind with us, but he is obviously deluded. I boarded the plane with my son and left him in England. I feel so humiliated. He made it back to his country two days later, and we met for an hour to talk. He said that he is married, and that he lost his nerve at the airport. Why invite me in the first place? He even asked me that same morning we were supposed to fly, whether or not I had my suncream!? I'm so confused... where is the wife? Where is she when he's here with me in England, three times a month? Where is she when he calls me all day long and through the night? I love him so much, and I wish I knew what to do with the twins. I'm drinking so much alcohol just to get to sleep at night. I bought folic acid the day we were to board the plane, but I haven't taken one since.
I have my first referral appointment in the morning at the AB clinic. Just to talk. He persists with his phone calls and begs me for forgiveness. He has asked me to find him a job and he wants to move here in three weeks. How is it possible? Where is his wife? I told him about my appointment and he was absolutely devastated and begged me not to do it. He tells me I have no right and is pleading with me daily to reconsider and wait for him for three weeks. I'm so confused... I'm coming to the deadline for a medical termination, and if it is all lies or deluded fantasy in his head, what decisions am I left with?? If I wasn't pregnant, I would avoid him like the plague, but whatever decision I make regarding the twins, I have chosen to involve him. I know that a choice to have a baby should not depend on the relationship with a man, and that many do it alone, but I can't bring up three children on my own and work full time. I know that I would feel bitter and angry forever. I would not rest until I destroyed him, and I know this would swallow all my energy. I think I need a counsellor. Why has he done this to me? I have little hats and shoes in my home, and next week they will be worthless.
Editor’s note: Thanks for updating us about your situation…I’m sorry you have experienced such a deception. The father sounds very confused and scared by the situation he has got himself into, yet he seems to attach value and meaning to the pregnancy. It sounds as if he may even be genuinely torn and is trying to resolve it – however clumsily – in the best way he knows how. It must be very confusing for you when you felt so positive about him.
It sounds as if some clarity is needed with regard to how you feel about the relationship and how you feel about the pregnancy. You are angry towards the man, and about how he has deceived you, quite rightly. But you need to give attention to how you feel about your pregnancy. It’s never just about the pressure of difficult circumstances: having the money, time and energy to look after two more children. It is also about your heart response to the idea of termination. What did you feel about it before you found yourself in this situation?
I recommend that you speak to someone, at your nearest centre or on the helpline to help you unravel what’s going on in you at all these different levels. We’ll be thinking of you.