I am 35 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years.By anonymous on 06/11/2008
I am 35 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years. We have one baby of 14 months and I fell pregnant unexpectedly again. Straight away my boyfriend said it was too soon; he didn't want a second one - at least not now - and I felt I had to seek out a termination as I couldn't have a child with such an unhappy dad. I respected his opinion and saw a bit of sense in it. The other half of me started thinking that keeping it was not that mad an idea; two close in age has its benefits, plus with my age, it might take a while to conceive again. Plus I eventually wanted a sibling for my daughter.
However, I tried to convince myself he was right, so went to hospital for termination and was turned away because I was upset. He was devastated that I didn't go through with it. We argued for a couple more weeks and I got so fed up with him and the negative relationship this child was coming into, that I went for abortion again (at 12 weeks). Again at crunch time, I got upset and they didn't carry out the abortion. I was partly relieved and partly upset because it felt like I'd failed him. I feel I have tried my very best to respect his feelings and take myself down that route the furthest I could - but I know now I just can't have an abortion. But he is still so angry and blaming me, both for getting pregnant and for stalling, and now for just assuming all is rosy - I so don't. He's talking about moving out for a bit and I'm seriously thinking we may split up, which doesn't upset me so much (the way he has behaved has shocked and depressed me that I can't even look at him!) but it makes me so anxious about raising two kids alone, bringing a baby into the world knowing full well that one of them was never wanted by its own dad. It feels almost selfish. I just want to feel better about all this and not be stressed!
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It sounds as if you could both benefit from talking to someone at your nearest pregnancy support centre, firstly to explore why he feels the way he does about the second pregnancy. It may be that he has experienced certain losses through the first pregnancy that you haven’t talked about; or it may be that the responsibility feels too much and he has fears for the future. Secondly, you could express your deeper feelings about the pregnancy to him. The advisor could support your communication, and give you both information about what’s involved in termination and how it might affect you both. The centre could be a safe place for you to have these significant conversations and help you negotiate your way through to an agreed future, hopefully together. There is hope; make the request of your partner to see someone together. We’ll be thinking of you.