I don’t know what to do... I’m a 30 year old single mum to a fab 6 year old boy.

By anonymous on 02/06/2009
I don’t know what to do... I’m a 30 year old single mum to a fab 6 year old boy. I met a guy in Feb... Three weeks ago I found out I’m pregnant. He has a 6 year old as well. A week before I found out, he kind of ended it saying it wasn’t fair on me (he works away) because I wouldn’t see him much... This didn’t bother me.

When I found out I was pregnant I told him straight away. He was shocked, obviously. I gave him a few days; he came to see me and said he didn’t want a baby. Fair enough. At least he was honest. He said he wouldn’t push me into anything and that it is my decision and what will be will be. He said, ‘Why don’t we make a go of things and try again in a year or so when we’re settled. I thought about it and agreed. I was happy with the decision and booked in for the abortion.

We were getting on well... until last weekend. I found out he slept with his ex one week after finding out about the baby. I was crushed. He swears it’s a one-off. She’s the mother of his son and was jealous of us... I’ve told him I’m willing to move on, blah blah. The thing is, I went to see the midwife and I couldn’t go through with the termination. I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. The thought of not being pregnant this time next week is killing me. I feel like I want this baby, but it’s so hard now.... I’m so hormonal and keep avoiding the midwife. I went to counselling and just cried. I don’t know what to do.... I rely on my parents so much now with my son. They will just go mad. I feel like I’m going to disappoint them by telling them, so think I should just go and have it done, but I’m afraid of forever regretting the decision... please help. I’m in bits xxx (sorry for going on).

Editor’s note: Thanks for writing in….It sounds all a bit of a muddle for you, doesn’t it? With regard to your relationship, it’s not clear if you weren’t bothered about him ‘kind of ending it’ or whether you weren’t bothered about not seeing him much and would like to pursue the relationship. The thing is that your feelings about your relationship are clouding your feelings about your pregnancy, and you need to separate them to see clearly.

A man who says that he would like to resume the relationship in a year or so when things have settled down (after your abortion, I presume he means) doesn’t really sound like a man who is making a clear commitment to you as a partner and a father. Your decision about the pregnancy seems to be based on the choice between the vague possibility of a relationship later on with him and having this baby against his wishes, (perhaps even hoping that in the end it will bring him back to you). To make it even more confusing, you have been hurt by his apparent rejection and betrayal while you are holding on to the hope of a future with him.

Furthermore, your head is telling you many things about the difficulties of pursuing this pregnancy, but your heart is struggling with the idea of ending it because your instinct and conscience as a mother are active now. It’s important to listen to your heart in this, as this is where post-abortion pain comes from later.

My question to you is, ‘Where is the love in your life?’ You have love with your son; your parents support you because they love you and your son; you’ll have love with this new baby. Love is committed, sacrificial and unconditional. It sees you through difficult times. Love doesn’t give up. You don’t have to make a decision about this pregnancy based on your relationship and whether it will resume – it must be the decision that you can live with in peace. It would help you to call the helpline and talk it through with a trained advisor who understands these issues. Be brave – call 0300 4000 999 as soon as you can. We’ll be thinking of you.

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