I wish I could say it's got easier since my abortion but it hasn’t and I'll never forgive myself

I’m four weeks pregnant. It was unexpected as I was on the pill. The father of my baby is also my neighbour we had agreed to have a casual relationship so I wasn’t surprised when he made it clear that he wanted me to have an abortion.

I already have an eight year old son who I bring up by myself so another baby was never part of the plan and the thought it terrifies me, especially having to do it alone again.

However, I was forced to have an abortion when I was 15 exactly 10 years ago today. I wish I could say it has got easier but it hasn’t. I will never forgive myself and although I know that having a baby in these circumstances isn’t the best way to go, I cannot go through with an abortion. I’ve been there before and it killed me.

Also I think because I am a mother, I’m feeling maternal about this baby and protective. I know the love I’m going to feel for it; I know in my heart I have to do this with or without the father no matter how hard it’s going to be because mothers put their children first. When you’re a mum, there’s no room for selfishness.

Although I know that’s what I have to do, it’s still so hard because the father is my neighbour. I care for him a lot and I know how much this is hurting him. He's threatened to pack up, move house, have nothing to do with the baby and never see me again if I don’t have an abortion.

He really believes this is going to ruin his life. He blames me for all of this. I don’t know what I can do or say to help him see that you have to make the best of a bad situation because life never turns out the way you thought it would.

Editor's comment

Thanks for writing in… Let’s get something straight - no one can make you have an unwanted abortion. Your past experiences of pregnancy and abortion have brought up all your instinctive feelings towards this pregnancy despite the circumstances, and although it’s going to require courage and determination to go through this in opposition to the father, you seem to know you’ll have peace with yourself and your child. The father seems to be putting a great deal of pressure on you to have an abortion so that he can preserve things as they were, and not face the responsibilities that casual sex can bring. Sadly, none of us has the level of control we desire, even if we do use contraception. You must make the decision that gives you peace – let peace run the show, not pressure, or panic or fear. Contact your nearest centre for some support.

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