I have found out I’m six weeks pregnant and so scared.

I have a son of 9 and a daughter of 8. Whilst pregnant with my daughter, I had SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunction) from 18 weeks. I was house bound, on crutches, couldn’t put my son to bed, carry him or take him out. I could only walk a couple of steps before being in excruciating pain. I was booked in for a C section. I had had a c section with my son before as he was broad and there was a risk of shoulder dystocia. Whilst the c section was being started I was in pain, I could feel the cut. In short the epidural failed. I remember the surgeon saying, "What’s going on!? I can see her muscles tensing." I suffered horrendous post traumatic stress disorder, which led to CB therapy and then anti-depressants. I was very suicidal. I took myself off them three years ago and never felt better. Until now. In view of everything, I requested sterilisation, which has been approved. I’m awaiting a date for surgery. I have found out I’m six weeks pregnant and so scared. My husband wants me to have a termination as he feels I may be left permanently damaged by SPD again. Two years ago we moved to the coast and I have no family near me for support. I’m scared to ask for an abortion as I feel a termination may trigger depression again. I’m due to see my GP tomorrow to discuss this. I need help. Please. I don’t want to kill a baby. Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your situation with us…You’ve obviously had a hard time of it physically as well as emotionally following your pregnancy experiences. It must feel like a no-win situation for you right now. The important thing is that you take time to explore all your options and all your feelings about pregnancy, pain, abortion and being a mother again. I recommend that you visit your nearest pregnancy support centre to do this, as you will receive specialist help to make your decision. As with most women, it’s not just the circumstances that affect your decision, but your heart response to your pregnancy too. For you to say, ‘Please. I don’t want to kill a baby’ tells me that you have beliefs, a conscience and an instinct towards this pregnancy that mitigate against an abortion decision, but you must weigh it all up for yourself and make the decision you can live with, having been given accurate information about what’s involved and time to assess your feelings. You are probably right to be wary of depression following termination, as you already have a history of PTSD. This is, in effect, what post-abortion stress is, so you may be prone to it again following an abortion. Please get in touch with your nearest centre. We’ll be thinking of you.

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