I found out last week that I am pregnant again (about 8 weeks).

By anonymous on 12/10/2009
Ok here goes. I am 36, happily married and already have a child aged 4. That pregnancy was unplanned and I obviously made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. I found out last week that I am pregnant again (about 8 weeks). Although this is something that my husband and I had talked about, he wants more children and I don’t. I love my 4 year old with all my heart but he is enough for me. The only reason I would consider another child is to give my 4 year old a sibling. I had a very difficult pregnancy last time and so far nothing has changed with this one - I have never been maternal and wanted children and I find the whole idea of being pregnant repulsive (I know that is going to sound strange to many and I'm sorry but it is how I feel) I am constantly sick and feel like someone has taken over my body. With the last pregnancy it put a wedge between me and my husband as I wasn't myself - I was also depressed a lot. I really don’t want that again and don’t think I can face it. I also don’t feel that I want a baby again - the first 2-3 years are so hard and I just feel like I am becoming me again and I will have to go through it all again and I don’t want to. I have spoken with a counselor and have booked to have the first appointment for a medical termination tomorrow - it was supposed to be today but I was late and couldn't have it - which got me thinking was there a reason....I know that is ridiculous as these things happen. I am around 80% certain that I am making the right decision but I am very worried how it will affect me afterwards and the guilt I will feel towards my 4 year old as he desperately wants a sibling but I just don’t feel I have it in me to carry on with this pregnancy - or any others in the future. I do feel like I am doing the right thing for me and my family and my husband is supportive of that decision - but there is still a small niggle as to how I will cope mentally afterwards and I don’t feel that there will be many people that have gone through a similar situation to ask. Thanks - it's helped a little to just write it all down.

Editor’s note:
I wonder what decision you made, as the date of your appointment will I think, now have passed. Thanks for telling us your story. It sounds like you had a very difficult pregnancy first time around, with sickness and feelings of depression. That can be such a disappointment and a difficult challenge in itself even during a planned pregnancy. It sounds like you may have had similar thoughts and feelings to those that you are having now. It looks like there are many factors that are making coming to a decision difficult: not feeling maternal, your husbands desires, your thoughts about your son’s future, fears surrounding making a decision to have a termination, feelings of just getting your life back, fears from your first pregnancy etc. I would say that with 80% certainty, you still have things to think through. A decision where you have voiced doubts about how you will cope afterwards, is an uncertainly which you cannot risk. If you are still at this time undecided, please call our national helpline on 0300 4000 999. For yourself, or anyone reading this, it is important that you have the time to explore all your options and feelings during the decision making process. I would recommend you visit your nearest pregnancy support centre where you will receive specialist help at this time. If you have had a termination, please don’t hesitate to contact us if you need to – you will receive the help and support you need from our specialist advisors.

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