I just don't feel ready and am scared to be a mum

medical abortion »

I have just found out that I am 5 weeks pregnant and in the process of making a decision as to whether I should keep the baby or have a medical abortion.

I don't want to keep the baby, but I don't want to abort it either... if that makes sense.

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years, and 6 months ago, I found out he was having an affair. It is only very recently and after a few hiccups, we decided to make a 'real go of things'.

I am scared of being a mum

On paper, I'd be selfish to abort, I'm 29, my partner says he will stand by me, money isn't great but I get by, I am a professional (although work have been making redundancies recently) and have my own home but I just don't feel ready and am scared to be a mum...

I question whether these feelings are natural and will happen whenever I get pregnant or if it's specific to this pregnancy? I know I question whether I want children at all as I can't imagine the life change of having children.

Also and selfishly I want the fairytale, I want a family home, I want to be married, have some 'us' happy times, holidays and savings behind me and most of all I want to be more stable in my relationship as I'm under no illusions that a baby will not solve our problems.

I just don't know if these are justifiable reasons...

I can't help but resent him a little for us not being in a stable relationship. I'm so confused, my boyfriend says he is leaning towards an abortion for the same reasons I am.

He wants children in the future but doesn't feel ready yet either... he doesn't know whether this is natural or specific to this pregnancy.

I've spoken to counsellors and still can't make a decision.

The other issue is my medical history and risks involved... I don't seem to be able to speak to a doctor for advice and have been told that I have to make a decision before I can, the difficulty is that the medical risks have an impact on my decision...

Increased risk of miscarriage after loop excision

I've had a loop excision on my cervix following cancerous cells - I'm aware that this weakens the cervix and increases the risk of miscarriage... I question whether an abortion would increase these risks.

The thought of going through with the procedure seems unthinkable and I don't know how I'm ever going to decide for definite whether it's the right thing to do.

I want to make a decision sooner rather than later because I may be able to justify it in my head that it is an embryo rather than a foetus (I think I'm trying to convince myself as I know in my heart of hearts I'm preventing the pregnancy).

Editor's comment

Thank you for writing in and sharing the difficulty that this huge decision presents. I am sure that many people reading your account will identify with the fears and doubts you are experiencing. It sounds as though your mind can rationalise your circumstances on one level, but then your heart is also speaking to you. I'm not sure that there is ever an 'ideal' time to have a baby, and sometimes things can go wrong even if you have all the fairytale wedding, home, finances, etc. in place. I'm afraid there are no guarantees that it will all be fine if you get everything in place. Facing a significant change in your life is frightening, but you would have nine months to get used to the idea and begin to plan your lives around the baby. Loop excision can sometimes weaken the cervix. If you have a surgical abortion then dilating open the neck of the womb can sometimes weaken the cervix. A medical abortion would not have this risk, but you have to be sure you can cope with this procedure. It's important that you don't go ahead with abortion if you still have strong doubts as this is something you won't be able to change afterwards. If you're still undecided, please find a centre for crisis/unplanned pregnancy support in your area to talk through your situation again.

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