The hardest decision of my life
I had been in a relationship for a number of years and after splitting up for sometime, I was sure that he was the 'one'. We had talked about the future, having kids when we were 30+, live in a big house, holidays etc...we knew what we wanted. I always believed people who get pregnant unplanned where stupid! I mean there was so much choice for contraception out there!...How wrong was I! I was being safe, but WEEKS after graduating and looking forward to my whole life ahead of me starting (what I believed would be my successful career) I found out I was pregnant!!! I bought the test a few weeks before, after a late period, I wasn't going to get one as my periods were really irregular (something that I believed would hold me back from having kids, and if I did I would have to try really hard!) Anyway after my friend telling me her friend had become pregnant, I thought I need to know. I went to get the test and when I saw the two blue lines I couldn't believe it. I went and bought two more tests and it was only then I told my boyfriend.
I thought he would be there for me...he wasn't!!!
He was so angry, I had no choice I had to get rid of it! My head was so messed up and thinking about the future, money, no job yet, my adult life just beginning I though maybe he was correct. What he was saying made sense, but it wasn't what my heart or gut said.
We booked an appointment for the doctors and they referred us to the clinic, I thought it was more straightforward, like the morning after pill. I was questioning whether I was doing the right thing, I had always said I'd NEVER have an abortion, but the time just didn't feel right for either of us.
However destroying this life just felt like I was killing a part of myself.I began talking to my boyfriend about maybe keeping the baby. He was furious!!! How could we afford it? We had no proper jobs! We didn't even live together! What about our wonderful future?!
We went to the abortion clinic, and I felt like I was going to be killed! I can honestly say it was one of the worst days of my life. Everything in my body told me this was wrong, I was being selfish! Life can't always be planned, things happen and you have to adapt to survive. My sister had also tried for 7 yrs for a baby, so that made me feel even more guilty thinking of an abortion, when she would do ANYTHING for a baby. I kept returning to the clinic, and each time I would worm myself out of it, thinking I had more time to think. My boyfriend was getting more and more ANGRY. For him it was so straightforward. He had a scare with a one night stand, and didn't want children. We were on the edge of splitting up.
The day came when I HAD to make a decision. I didn't want to lose him, I didn't want to be a single mum at 25 and what about my lovely future. One of the advisors spoke to me for 5 hours, she was an angel!!! She said that if he was the one he would be there no matter what. I may not get my job straight away but I would eventually if I wanted it, my future wasn't going anywhere it was just on hold. She just made me realise that being a mum didn't have to be the end of the world.
I felt a weight fall off my shoulders speaking to her and decided to keep the baby.
It wasn't easy with my boyfriend and it took him a LONG time to adapt. He still thinks the timing wasn't right, but he stood by me and wouldn't change our little boy for the world. Me?! I ADORE him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, an I'm just getting my career on track and about to get our own place. It may not have been the best start but he has so much love and gives so much love back. He has the happiest little face and when I went to that abortion clinic I never thought I would get this outcome. The sleepless nights, the dirty nappies, lack of ME time is hard. But the joy my boy brings me, is worth every second.
Abortion is a good option for some, but don't think that if the timing isn't right you have to have an abortion.Life has a way of working out whatever happens, you just have to work a little harder for it.
Abortion is such a BIG decision, life changing, and I truly believe I would have done something silly if I had gone through with it. Follow your gut, write a list of pro's and con's, make a list of how you can cope...money etc and most of all TALK to someone who is unbiased. The women at the clinic are angels, abortion maybe right for you, but make sure you do it because it is right FOR YOU!
Editor's CommentYour story highlights how difficult this decision can be, and the struggle that can go on between your thoughts and your heart or gut reaction. These instinctive feelings often keep making you feel uncomfortable when you go against what they are telling you.
It is so good that you had someone independent to talk it through with and help you to explore your feelings, and answer some of your fears. find a centre for pregnancy choices support in your area.