I got pregnant at 17, and my husband left me 1 month after the baby was born

Well mine isn't really a story...more like a cry for help and advice. I got married very young, only 16, you know the age when you think you know it all?! I got pregnant at 17, and my husband left me 1 month after the baby was born. I had very supportive parents that helped me raise my son. I married again at 23, we had 3 children together, the marriage was a nightmare ! My husband was incredibly possessive, and became physically abusive. Regardless of using all kinds of protection I had 3 children, but lived with the fear of being alone, he made me feel worthless, I had no confidence left at all. I took the brave step of leaving after 15 years when the abuse was witnessed by my kids, that was the last straw. Once again my dad took me and my kids under his wings, and we were happy. I was single for 3 yrs, and made lots of friends I hadn't done in the last 15 years, my ex kept me isolated from friends and family . I was finally allowed to have male friends! One in particular ...me and him got on so well, same interests, same tastes, and we understood each other very well, he was married, but separated, and this didn't bother me because we were just good mates? What did I have to worry about? We weren't going out unless we were all going out as a group of friends? But then 5/6 months into the friendship , and I have to point out, we were seeing each other almost everyday, we had started small business projects together, it all changed. I realised I was getting so used to him, I was falling in love with him! He was my ideal partner and different to both failed relationships before.

We did eventually get into a sexual relationship, and it felt right!

He would constantly praise me tell everyone how I was his everything. Seemed as good as life could get, then he started mentioning how he felt guilty that he was cheating on his wife?!! But there was no sign of her it'd been almost 1 year! He said she lived in Wales with her sister, but that they spoke everyday on the phone, he then started saying how although not together he was still married, he tried clarifying how our relationship had developed, but it wasn't what our intentions had been from the start so I can't say he led me on?! We'd been sleeping together for almost 7 months regularly, and I was on the pill. He would constantly confuse me by saying he loved me, but his wife had been on the scene 10 years, she's still in love with him, it's like he wanted to get back with her but was too scared to say it openly! He constantly said that if I got pregnant he would never trust me again, I tried explaining that no contraception is 100% nothing will ever give you that guarantee, but obviously I will be careful. One day we were staying over with friends, as we were leaving, out of nowhere he asked me if I could drive him to Wales he needed to clear a few things up. I did, he hasn't called me in 2 days, a man who called me first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, and we met everyday! I took a pregnancy test this evening, you know one of those sixth sense things?!

I'm pregnant......

I know if I tell him, he'll never want to see me again, then again maybe he's already decided? But I really want to keep the baby, it's not the baby's fault . But I'm 36 now, and my father is very old fashioned about the whole 'sex outside marriage' thing. Our culture is very unforgiving and I'd be locked out by all, I'd have to go into hiding almost, move out of my area, but the thought of killing my child is becoming unbearable! I had an abortion a few years back while I was married, and it still haunts me. He's made it very clear he doesn't want kids. But I feel like this will be my last chance in life, what do I do? 1)I've considered not telling him, having an abortion and hoping me and him will move on together, maybe he's gone to end it with her? 2) I've thought about leaving my friends and family moving away from the area and just having the baby 3) I could tell him I'm pregnant, but tell him I'll have an abortion, but risk losing him! I've never felt like I'd ever been in true love till I met him, but he's so confused himself, gives me mixed signals . Please, please give me some advice ? I'm only 5 weeks pregnant at the moment.

Editor's Comment

You have been very unlucky in your relationships, and I can understand how this one seemed finally to be different and right. However it sounds as though this man is afraid of commitment and has used his failed marriage as an opt out.
I am not sure that abortion is the answer for you if you think it will restore your relationship. I suspect that if your partner doesn't want to commit to you he might well persuade you that all will be fine if you have an abortion and then leave as soon as it is over.
I think you should make a decision that is right for you, and won't leave you feeling full of guilt and regret. If this man really has feelings for you then he will want to be with you whatever your decision is.
I think the hard thing will be your family situation and moving away from your support network would be difficult.
This story was sent in on 03/07/2014

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