My youngest daughter could've been an abortion and she's the best thing that ever happened
It's strange to look back to when I got married at 26 years old because I wanted children in wedlock, life never turns out quite like you would have planned it. I left my husband aged 30 with no babies and just sheer dismay that I had spent so much time in a loveless relationship.
In my vulnerable and lonely state I met with an old boyfriend from my teenage years, I was wary, he had been extremely abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, in fact, every way possible.
He convinced me he was a changed man and I reluctantly started a relationship with him and alas 3 months later I was pregnant, not expected of course but at 31 years old I felt my time was running out.
Well, by the time the baby was born he was seeing someone else, by the time my daughter was 21 days old I was sleeping on my parent's floor with PND, PTSD from giving birth alone, anxiety and depression.
Over the next 6 months, I got back on my feet and moved on. By the time my daughter was 9 months old her father played mummies and daddies with my daughter and his girlfriend.
My now ex-husband ended up being a tremendous support for myself and daughter and by the time she was 18 months old I was pregnant again. I knew my relationship with my ex-husband was hardly the best and I was just starting a professional degree to provide a better life for my family, I was under lots of pressure to abort the pregnancy but chose not to.
My second daughter, just 22 months younger than my first, was absolutely amazing. We bonded well, she was an exceptionally good baby and was an easy going child (thankfully as my first was difficult, to say the least).
The relationship didn't work out with my ex-husband, I ended up in a women's refuge with broken ribs, a baby, a toddler and complete determination to fight on and finish the degree I had started.
We managed to find a bungalow to rent not far from family and friends, ex-hubby and I were amicable for the sake of the children.
A year later I qualified and at the same time, my landlord decided to sell our little home. Jobless and not able to get help from the council I had to move back in with the ex.
The arrangement lasted for 18 months in that I worked and he stayed at home to get the girls to and from school... He seemed to forget all the other chores that needed doing so I just never seemed to stop.
My eldest daughter chose to live with her father, girlfriend and now a brother so I moved me and my youngest daughter closer to my work. It was just a fixed term temporary job, but I had worked hard and knew I could get a permanent job there.
This didn't quite work out... My daughter's new school did have an after-school club but they were fully booked and unable to cater for our needs. I was given an ultimatum by my boss in that she would not give me permission to leave work early to collect my 3-year-old daughter and if I chose to leave I would be going AWOL.
Within a month I was sacked. So, now I was living away from any help and support... I quickly put my daughter back in her old school as it was obvious we needed to be closer to family and support. The ex agreed to put us up for a few weeks (very begrudgingly) and I've just found us a place to live, which is great...
Unfortunately, my ex and I got a little over-friendly one night and I'm now pregnant again. He has no interest whatsoever, he even had the police come to his house the other night to escort myself and daughter out as he was unhappy with the mess (there were some toys on the floor and I hadn't put the washed dishes away as I've been unwell with morning sickness and feeling very faint).
I am under serious pressure to have the pregnancy terminated. I don't think I could handle it, I can't kill a baby...
My youngest daughter could have been an abortion and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My children give me the unconditional acceptance and love I was unable to get from their fathers but I must admit I am terrified, I'm 38 years old and feeling quite broken but as long as I have my children I'll keep fighting on.
Zoe sent this story in on 16/07/2015