In my first weeks, I wanted to abort, because I know it won't be easy by Nokubonga

Hi everyone, I'm 23 years old and expecting my second baby. I had my first baby when I was 21 so that means they have 3 years gap. Both of them were unplanned.

I'm 9 weeks pregnant now and I'm very very stressed, I cry constantly even in front of my baby girl and she will wipe my tiers and say "sorry mama who hit you?", she is so smart.

In my first weeks, I wanted to abort. Because I know it won't be easy, my 2-year-old attends crèche and I'm the one who fixes everything for her, I don't have anyone to help me. Her crèche is very far from my work so I have to wake up very early to fix things for her and myself and also take her to crèche.

I just can't even think about how hard it will be once my tummy is big, my mother is around but I don't live with her and my life is just so complicated. My daughter constantly cries every midnight. I've stopped breastfeeding her although it was not easy.

Their father is supporting me in every decision I take. He doesn't want me to have an abortion, but he said I should wait until the end of this month so that he can come to my home to pay for things as he did not even pay for my first child.

I work for a Doctor and the other day I was very tempted to drink Cytotec but I didn't because I don't think I can kill my own child, I really cant. I can't imagine living my life with a regret that will haunt me all my life, I don't think I can.

I know I'm not perfect, I made mistakes and I have sinned in front of god, but I just want to live a most fulfilling and happy life with my children. I know one day I will look at my children especially the one I'm pregnant with right now, I will look at him and feel proud.

I just feel even closer to God than ever before, I just feel connected to him. I also pray every day that I get a government job right now before my tummy even shows. I'm about to graduate with a Public Management Diploma and I'm hoping to get a job now so I can rent my own place with my children and hire a nanny.

That would really make me happy right now.

Nokubonga sent this story in on 24/08/2015

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