We agreed abortion was the best way forward but she desperately wanted our baby.
When we both admitted our feelings, she was a single Mum and able to do what she wished, I was engaged with two children.
I wasn't happy, I had never been happy but she gave me a new lease of life, she made me feel alive, so I started the affair. She made me laugh more than I had ever laughed in my life. She was my soulmate.
We had so much fun together, and I absolutely adored her.
Until the day she told me she was pregnant.I remember my phone ringing that day, and I panicked that something was wrong for her to ring me because she never rang me without checking first. She told me, and I was floored. In time, we agreed abortion was the best way forwards for us. We knew we were ment to be together forever but our children were so young and her children had just had their home broken and my children had no idea what was about to happen. She booked the abortion, and I just had to find the strength and courage to leave my fiancee. I felt like crap, I really did, I adored this woman and yet I was too cowardly to leave and be hers completely. One day, she got so angry with me, I knew I had to do it or I would lose her forever. So I told my fiancee the truth, she went crazy and threw me out. We were finally free to be each others and no one else's, but this was tainted by the abortion that was looming over us. She didn't want to do it, she desperately didn't want to do it, she wanted our baby. She was so excited and I took all that away from her. The day we went to the clinic, Saturday 20th February 2010, was torture. I can't drive, so she had to drive us to the clinic in Liverpool. I did what I could, I held her close while we waited, I didn't go into any of the rooms she was called into. I had to ask them to do the whole procedure under local anaesthetic for her because she couldn't drive after a general. And everytime, this wonderful woman returned to the waiting room after various things, pieces of her soul were missing, she eyes lost their sparkle, she was disappearing in front of my eyes. The guilt was overwhelming. Watching the woman I love do something she didn't want to do purely for me was breaking my heart.
But nothing prepared me for when she came back after they had scanned herShe fell apart in my arms, she sobbed silently. She was so brave. When they finally called her up, I held on to her so tight. I didn't want to let her go, I wanted to protect her from the pain. I wanted to look after my beautiful girl. The wait was agonising, It was about an hour and a half, maybe two hours but it felt endless. I walked the streets, I cried, I didn't know what to do. I sat back in the waiting room, and after an eternity, the door opened, and I saw her. I have never moved so fast, before I got to the door she had already walked out. I went after her, and I reached out for her, "Come here" I said and tried to hold her, she looked at me and she simply said "Just don't". She walked ahead and got into the car, I sat next to her and I couldn't find the words to say anything to her. Her eyes were dead, there was nothing there, this beautiful wonderful woman who had been so tenacious, so full of life and vitality had been destroyed by me. She took me home, God love her, and then went and picked her own children up. That day, I sobbed, I cried, I howled, I fell apart. I had done this to the woman I adored. And after a while, it suddenly hit me that my baby had been taken from me too.
The pain was awful. The guilt was overwhelming.She didn't want to talk about what had happened. The next day, I told her I couldn't be with her anymore. I couldn't be with her when I had destroyed her. And I walked away from her, and straight back to my fiancee. It's been two years now, and I think about her every single day, she was 22 years old. And I will never know what happened that day, but I'm sure she saw and felt horrors and pain that no woman should ever feel. I feel like a failure for what I did to her, I am no man for what I made her do and for what I did to her.
After the abortion, we had six weeks left of our work contracts and I saw her every day, with the exception of the three days she had off immediately after, she was so brave and so dignified. And me? I just ignored her, I watched her constantly when she wasn't looking,and it killed me ignoring her but how could I stay in her life after what I had done? She deserves so much better than me.
I know that I destroyed her, I know I did and I will never forgive myself. I have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life, all I can hope for now and pray is that she is happy and that she forgives me and that our baby is now at peace. I miss my beautiful girl so much, my soul aches for her and I wish so badly I could have my time again.