At 11 weeks I lost my baby.

I got pregnant at 17 years old after being with my boyfriend and a faulty condom.
I knew it from the beginning and so I immediately told him and asked what to do, he was great and said he would do whatever necessary and whatever I wanted to do once we were positive. He just wanted to be positive.
I became positive and then had no idea what I wanted to and how to tell him because then he would expect me to make decisions, so since he was away at school instead of telling him I began to not speak to him as frequently and started to become distant.
One drunken night he was tired of me being a rubbish girlfriend and decided that he was done with being ignored and that was the night he was going to end things.

He didn't know I was pregnant.

Well just so happens that was the day after at eleven weeks I had lost baby Catherine. The conversation went something like this (note I got some information on his end from a friend who was with him). Him: We are done Me:Fine! And don't worry about me being pregnant a miscarriage yesterday!! Him: *threw up*
Anyways, we ended up getting back together, but the pain of losing the baby haunted me. Every time I would touch him or see him it would remind me of what I didn't have. It is not even like I necessarily wanted the child, in fact I can almost say for certain I didn't I was leaving for college I needed to be free. But the pain of losing her caused the downfall of my relationship after a year and a half.
It has been almost a year since I lost the baby and I want to say that it doesn't still hurt, but it really does. It goes away, but then when I see people with babies I occasionally remember how that could be me and part of me gets jealous and then part of me is relieved and I hate the relieved part. But those feelings come less often now than they did at the beginning and hopefully with time I'll heal more.

Editor's Comment

I think you grieve your loss even when you felt unsure about an unintended pregnancy. There is probably a part of you that imagined having the baby and what your life might have been like. Time does heal but it may also help to talk to a practitioner about the miscarriage, particularly as your feelings swing between sadness and guilty relief. find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

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