My never been told story.

My never been told story. My first planned pregnancy. Myself and my new husband were over the moon. We didn't know any rules, we told the world. We bought clothes. We bought blankets. We were on cloud nine. Then I started to bleed. I started having pains. We lost our baby. Our baby which we already named Mathew and Chloe.
After it happened. We were shocked. We were upset. We had to tell everyone we lost our baby. I placed everything we got for our baby in a box. We didn't talk about it. My husband pretended it never happened. We both blocked it out. We both went back to our normal life. Our baby box was hidden behind our wardrobe. Then unplanned, unexpected,I was pregnant again. At first I was scared to tell my husband. But he knew something was up. He knew straight away because I didn't drink my usual bottle of wine every night. I told him the news. Was it good news , was it bad news....lets say we were both so scared. We didn't tell anyone this time, not even our mothers. No one knew I was pregnant. This time, we were not jumping and screaming to the world I was pregnant. We again, just knew without saying, lets just take it day by day, live our life as normal until we have our scans and see our baby. The day finally came to have the scan. I was shaking so much, I was so nervous, thinking all that time ....the last time there was no baby. Good news at last.....healthy baby.
My baby was born healthy. And then I went on to have another healthy baby. Two babies in two years. We were so happy.
This is where I am not doing so well. I fell pregnant again. We were so happy, our dreams have come true.....we were having twins. I remember saying to god....oh thank you. This happiness didn't last long, I started to bleed. I was there again in that chair waiting for my scan, I knew they would say I had lost my babies. Sitting in that chair, looking at the screen , it was so painful, I didn't want to hear the words.

I don't want that sorry look.

I don't want to walk out this room and be given a stupid leaflet about miscarriage support. Then they told me bad news, and some good news. I was bleeding because yes, I lost a baby but one baby is looking healthy. All of a sudden I felt joy and sadness. I was crying for both my babies, the one I lost and the one who is healthy. I went on to have a healthy baby. She is perfect. 3 healthy children. What have I got to be sad about.
I cry when no one is around. I feel like I have no right to mourn for my first child and for my lost twin. My heart aches each time I see or even hear about twins. I know I have three children. I know I am lucky. I know a lot of people are worse off than me. But my pain. My tears. My babies. I dream of holding them, I dream of my Mathew/Chloe what he or she would be like,what personality. I picture my twin, to look like my daughter. I am thinking thoughts, silly thoughts like, I am not scared of death,I am not scared because I know my babies are waiting for me. I love my children dearly, I have a very loving husband. But I am here after I tucked, my children into bed. I am here crying. I am here opening my baby box. I feel like I have no right to cry, no right to be upset. That's why I hide it. But I felt like I needed to tell my story. I felt like I need someone to read this ...to feel my pain. It's so real, thank you.

Editor's Comment

Yes I can hear your pain it is clearly very raw still, and you have a right to grieve the loss of those 2 babies even if you have got 3 healthy children. That is quite natural and understandable. It may help you to see a practitioner for miscarriage counselling so that you can express your grief and process some of the painful emotions you are feeling. Please contact CareConfidential so that we can put you in touch with someone who can support you. find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

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