That night my life changed forever

Me and my boyfriend had been together almost 1 year when I found out I was having our baby. After missing my period I knew I needed to take a test to make sure.
I didn't tell my boyfriend, I didn't want to get him excited for something that I didn't even know was true. So one of my closest friends brought me a pregnancy test to school. I took the test and just as I thought 2 little pink lines appeared.

I had never been so nervous and happy at the same time.

I came out if the bathroom and my friend asked, "Sooo what'd it say?" "It was negative" was all I could say back. And then she said "Well that's a good, you're too small to carry a baby. You would have lost it." And I just agreed and walked off.
I thought about our little baby growing inside me all day but my friend's comment was still in the back of my mind. Was I "too small" to carry a baby? Would I lose it? I couldn't imagine going through something so terrible, nothing bad has ever happened to me. I was healthy, I thought, nothing bad can happen. Miscarriages happen when you fall.
I decided to just tell my boyfriend I was late on my period but not to worry, it happened all the time. I wanted a big way to announce it to him. It was almost Christmas so I knew that was the perfect time and a great gift too.

My mind wondered about being too small all the time so I made sure I was careful on everything I did. I made up reasons to not do rough things and ate as healthy as I could, I rested as much as I should've and was very cautious about things. But I guess I wasn't too cautious.
I relive going to school that one morning and not feeling well at all. I tried not to stress too much and said it's just part of pregnancy. But it wasn't.

I went to the bathroom and I was spotting.

I called my mom and told her I started. She didn't know anything about the pregnancy. She came and got me and took me home. I looked it up and a symptom was spotting so I thought I'm fine. But that night my life changed forever. I woke up that night in bed with the worst stomach cramps. My first thought was "something's wrong" I didn't want to move, I felt numb. What if I lost out baby. I got up and as I moved the blanket my fears were confirmed. There on the sheets was blood. I went to the bathroom and just sat on the toilet. All I could do was cry. I was in shock. It was 3:00 in the morning and I was up losing my baby.
I cleaned myself up and wanted to call my boyfriend and tell him my news. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to see him hurt. So since he didn't know anything I didn't tell him anything.

Christmas came around and he asked about my period. My heart fell to my feet.. I said "I started" trying to hold back all my tears. The night I told my boyfriend about our baby was the hardest night of my life. I couldn't hold it in any longer and wanted someone to talk to about it. All I could say was "I'm sorry". It was all that would come out. He was so supportive and just held me all night. Our 2 years is coming up and that means all the memories of our perfect baby too. He always tells me, "If it's supposed to happen, it will happen. It's all has a reason". I just don't know the reason God would bless us with a baby and take him away.

Editor's Comment

That is very sad that you lost the baby you were so excited about, and no one will have any answers for you. Sometimes a miscarriage just happens and there is nothing that you did, or didn't do that could have changed that. Anniversaries are always a painful reminder, and it must be particularly hard for you to remember your loss over Christmas.
If you would like to talk to someone and get some more support, please contact us.You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

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