I felt the most piercing grief

By anonymous on 04/12/2013
I am 60 yrs old, and it's sunny and cold outside...a December morning. This happened when I was 15 following my first and only sexual encounter.
I became pregnant, had missed a couple of periods, and hadn't a clue about pregnancy care...**all I knew was I was going to keep my baby.** Hmm...that is the first time I have ever written those words...my baby. I had not told my family, didn't know how to ...and I was scared, but also kind of in denial.
I had told one friend, and she didn't seem to care, so, ultimately, I was on my own. It was a cold winter, like today is cold...I somehow became sick, a cold I guess, but with a high fever and a bad cough...I was in bed for a couple of days.

I remember that one morning, the sun shining in the window, and me, feeling a little better decided to get up. I sat up in bed, and had a sudden cramp...and out came this perfectly enclosed little gelatinous sac, red, but also translucent. I knew exactly what had happened...I took it in my hands, held it, and even at this early stage, I felt the most piercing grief....I held it for a bit, and then in the bathroom, I disposed of it. I never told anyone else. But sometimes, like on a morning such as this , so similar, I suddenly remember. I feel the grief all over again...after all these years, I feel the loss of my baby, just as new and painful as it was then...

Editor's Comment

It is very painful to lose a baby, and strange how certain things can trigger such powerful memories and bring back the grief that still feels raw. Telling your story can often help to release the secrecy and isolation that you felt, but even now I think it would be worth you seeking some help. It sounds as though you put a large bandage over the emotional wound and every so often it still seeps out. That wound needs healing and although it may be painful there are people trained to help and support you. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

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