My scan only showed an empty pregnancy sac.
I first expected that I might be pregnant, waking up from a weird dream. I was inside a womb along with a fetus, and everything was shown in silhouettes. I thought that this might be my body trying to get my attention. When I came around, I realized that my boyfriend’s niece had been on her period twice, whereas I had missed mine completely.
After work that day I took it up with my boyfriend, thinking that I initially would not want to go through with it, but seeing his face light up, and slowly getting used to the idea of a little one, we decided to keep it.
We were actually over the moon.
After 3 positive pregnancy tests and a few days, I however started to feel very unwell. Pinching cramp-like feelings in my tummy. I looked it up online and instantly got worried.
Calculated from my last period, I should by now be around 8-9 weeks in, but my scan only showed an empty pregnancy sac, no signs of a little bean or a heartbeat, and the sack measured at about 3-4 weeks. I saw it, and it was just like a black hole in a grey picture.
It was quite devastating, and I had a few options.
I could wait for the miscarriage to happen on its own or go for the medical abortion (abortion pill) which would induce it.
Having recently started a lovely new job, the medical abortion seemed like the best option for me, as it would be controlled and not unexpected, plus I could do it at home with the support of my partner.
I went to the local clinic and had a consultation, blood tests and was finally given the first pill.
This pill should make sure that the pregnancy hormones would be blocked, and that my uterus would soften and prepare itself for the abortion.
After this I went back to work, feeling rather dizzy (perhaps due to the antibiotics I was given along with the pill)
When I came home, I wrote a list of things that I might need for this.
- Ultra absorbing night pads for the bleeding
- Painkillers (anything not containing aspirin) I got Solphadeine + (paracetamol and codeine)
- Anti-nausea tablets
- Snacks and soft drinks
- Black underwear (in case I bleed through, I don’t like the sight of it)
- Hot water bottle to take the pains
Later that night I started cramping. It felt like what I would imagine contractions would feel. It came in waves but there was no bleeding and this stopped before I went to bed.
It is now 2 days after taking that first pill, I have done the shopping and I have completely lost my appetite. I am due back in for my next tablets in two hours.
It is now 19:55, and I took my second set of pills at approximately 14:45.
My boyfriend drove me to the clinic, and it was an approximate 17 minute drive. I had a bath earlier, and took 2 x Solpadeine tablets and 2 x ibuprofen an hour before the appointment.
As I came to the clinic, I went in on my own. My boyfriend was not allowed in, due to confidentiality of the other girls there.
I was greeted by the lovely reception lady, and she took me to a waiting room straight away after taking my personal details.
After 15 minutes, a nurse called my name, and I sat down with her.
She gave me 5 tablets. 4 of them were to induce abortion and the last one was an anti-nausea tablet. I had to dissolve them all in my mouth, for approximately 15 minutes. I went back to the waiting room, and started texting my boyfriend who was outside in his car waiting for me. He cheered me up, and was a really great support. As soon as the 15 minutes had passed, I washed the remains of the tablets down with water, and was allowed to go home.
As I went back to the reception, I asked them for a picture from my scan.I felt it was important for me to have it there as a reminder, and also my boyfriend wanted to see it. This was what we both wanted.
The cramps had already started, and as soon as I stepped out of the clinic, pro-lifers started running up to me. Now, I can see that it is obviously way more important to them to deal with other people’s lives than their own, but the pain had gotten bad and I shouted that I didn’t need their help because my baby had already died, and that was hard enough for me as it was. They did not make the situation better.
I went to meet my boyfriend in the car, and he called his mum to make sure she had a hot water bottle ready for me.
The pain got really bad, and the short drive home was a nightmare. I think I was scared as well, having read so many awful stories online previously.
I could feel bleeding in the car already, but had a pad in my underwear just in case.
As soon as I got inside, my boyfriend’s mother put the hot water bottle on my tummy, my boyfriend made me a hot Ribena and made a little bed for me on the couch in front of the tv. I felt really well looked after.
All of the sudden, at approximately 16:30, the pain just stopped. I felt fine. I went to the toilet to change my pad, and there was a bit of blood. I felt something drop ‘out of me’ in the toilet. I expect this was the pregnancy, because there was no pain and I all of the sudden felt really hungry. Like I hadn’t eaten for a year.
I went downstairs again and was so surprised. No nausea, No diarrhoea, and only manageable pains and bleeding. Surely this couldn’t be it.
I thought to myself that this was nowhere near some of the experiences I had read online, so I decided to call the aftercare line for a bit of closure.
I explained to the nurse what had happened, and she told me to expect a bit more cramping as my uterus went back to its normal size, and that to her it sounded like the worst was over.
She was right. I had something to eat, and my boyfriend put a really nice film on. We were sat for a bit, and he cooked me some food. I ate everything on my plate for the first time in god knows how long.
I fell asleep for half an hour during the film, and still had a bit of cramps. The nurse had advised me to keep taking my painkillers regularly, which I have done. Right now it feels a bit like my first ever period. By this I mean both the pains and the amount of blood. It seems a lot, but I have only gone through 3 pads in 5 hours. And that is only because I don’t like wearing pads, they were in no way soaked. Later on though, the bleeding got worse, and I probably went through 2 pads an hour. You lose a lot of blood, and it does take a toll on your body. My boyfriend was nice and when I got dizzy etc. he helped me to the toilet to keep an eye on me, and the amount of blood I was losing. I could genuinely see the worry in his eyes, but luckily we got through it together.
It is now the day after, and I got up once to change pads in the night. I did bleed through a bit, but not much. The bleeding has eased a lot, and only little clots are passing now.
My boyfriend has gone to town to get me a new pair of comfy pants, which is really considerate. But still, I have had no nausea, no fainting and no diarrhoea. I feel relieved over how it all went.
I just wanted you girls out there who are going through a similar thing to know, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When it hurts it hurts, but now I can barely remember the pain. Have someone there to support you, like I had my partner and his mum, and you will be fine. Pain is just your body making you aware of what is happening to you. It is a good thing. Also, be careful with what you read online. People normally only feel like sharing bad experiences, and to vent. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you will experience the same thing.
Even though this has been an emotionally hard thing for both me and my partner, we know that this is normal and that sometimes it just doesn’t work out. We will try again, and have a perfect family when the time is right for us.
All the best to everyone going through this. And don’t be afraid. Prepare yourself for the worst, and you will probably be pleasantly surprised. My partner and I will keep our scan picture. We want to remember this day, so we can move on and dream of one day making a healthy baby.