Sweet Child of mine.
To all who read this and are struggling with the same thing that I am...I hope that you can all one day find peace. I don't necessarily have a story to tell I just wanted to write a letter to the unborn child that I miscarried where people could read it, people that could relate that is. I needed to post it somewhere that people could understand, where I could anonymously get it out. It has taken me over a year to do this and the heartache is no less. So here it goes. Sweet Child of mine, It has taken mommy over a year to actually set down and put these feelings on paper and I know you can't see this but somehow I feel that you can hear me. If you would have been able to stay in my womb and grow you would be turning one year old this July. I do not know God's reason for you not being able to stay and grow with me, be born into this world, or stay a little longer in my tummy. The night I took a pregnancy test and got those two pink lines I was on cloud nine and deep down your father was too. That was a Friday night and sadly on Saturday I started bleeding, all of this was before I could even get a doctors appointment to make sure everything was okay with you. When it started happening I went to the emergency room and they told me that there was nothing they could do except give me pain pills to ease the cramps. As crazy as it sounded I didn't want the pain pills as excruciating as it was, if my baby was in pain I was going to be in pain with it. I suspect that I was only about two to three weeks pregnant with you when that happened and the only thing I felt was the cramps when I was losing you. That does not mean I didn't feel you in my heart. When I seen those two pink lines no matter if you was a boy or a girl I already had our whole life together planned and for whatever reason it was cut much too short. I wanted you to know that I loved you from that moment on and even though I never held you in my arms, rocked you to sleep, kissed your sweet baby cheeks, or nursed you I still love you. I have seen you several times before that tragic day and after. I have done all those mommy things with you so often, but it has only been in my dreams. I never thought that I could get pregnant until then even if only for a short time I was pregnant with you and even though the time I knew you were inside me was less than twenty four hours, those was the greatest moments of my life. I love you and I always will. There are times when I just want to set and cry, I set and I wonder if you would have been a boy or a girl, I wonder if you would have got my blue eyes or your dad's "chip-munk" cheeks,I wonder all kinds of things about you and who you would be. Yesterday was mothers day and I bought your grandmother flowers and your great grandmother matching flowers, and cooked a big meal for them, as the whole family packed into the house to see your great grandmother I noticed that everyone in the room got a "Happy mother's day" except me and all I could think to myself is this would have been my first mothers day, I kept a smile on my face to spite the pain in my heart. Last night I realized that if my calculations where right somewhere around the 1st week of July would be your 1st birthday and I wondered what we would be doing and what kind of party we would have. I read a story the other day on how when miscarried and aborted babies get to heaven they are placed under the care of angels and when their mommies get to heaven they get the second chance to raise them, I am not glad that I lost you but if this is true I hope you are there. I hope that it is true so one day I will get to raise you. Child like I said I don't know why you never got to see earth or lay so peacefully in my arms, maybe it is because mommy and daddy wasn't married at the time, we didn't have a lot of money,or maybe we wasn't ready, whatever it was God has his reason and I am sure that it was good. I want you to know that I feel you, I feel you in my dreams, in the wind, and I see you, I see you in the moon, in the flowers, and in my dreams. I have never stopped loving you and I never will. I never carried you in my arms but I always will in my heart. I want you to know that Daddy loves you to and he is a good man, he wanted you to. Daddy and I are married now and it was a small but beautiful ceremony, I suspect you already know that though. Baby, I don't know what would have happened if you would have been born but I had big plans and dreams, I am sure that I would have made mistakes along the way but I would have always loved you and protected you no matter what the cost, but I know that for some reason you are in a better place so when I get sad I just think of that and find a little peace. I want you to know that I love you and even though I never met you I miss you. I pray that one day I will get to kiss your sweet face, and hold you in my arms, sleep peacefully sweet child of mine, I love you beyond the moon and stars. Love, Mommy