The pain of having a miscarriage

It was all very quick… the nausea, the morning I could not smell coffee, the sudden feeling of exhaustion and the anxiety of thinking to myself that maybe this time it had worked. Not sleeping well at night with little butterflies dangling on my stomach just waiting to wake up earlier than usual the next morning to do a test. Then, the positive. The relief of a positive. The magical moment where the woman is conscious that life was created and she is being appointed to carry this new existence. The flow of happiness, the pictures of the digital test before the batteries expired, the planning of the first picture in the album. Imagination triplicates as fast as the hormones do and you suddenly find yourself constantly thinking of how your life will change. First your body, an extra space needed at the breakfast table, the news being given to the family members, an extra plane ticket to visit grandparents, money for university tuition, that is, if she wants to go to university, but wait, is “it” a girl, a boy, what if we made twins?!? Flows and flows of female imagination, creativity, urge for organization get freed with that confirmation that life has been generated. Then, there was blood. Was it normal? Google might help, pregnancy forums, worries. I came back from the bathroom trying to think positively but while sitting at my office desk I then felt something more than blood. A clot running down and into my underwear. Consecutively to the bathroom again and suddenly seeing my plans dissolve in a bright red flow. I had some mild cramping but I was sure this was normal in a healthy pregnancy, some back ache that day and extra tiredness. I remember a feeling of a sprained groin, a little sharp pickle between my womb and my leg. Calling my husband to give him the news that we should stop smiling. Going to the doctor to be given the final news that there was no hope and my body should simply finish off the cleansing was not at all easy. I never expected my hormones to make me so sad, so gloomy, so hopeless of a future large family at Christmas. The ironic tricks your body plays with you is just too much to handle. I still felt the nausea, felt the tiredness but I knew it was only because of the leftover chemicals. Deep-down in my heart I knew that my womb was now empty, the life that was given to me was now gone and my body was weeping in form of large red tears. I’m writing this because it has only happened 4 days ago and I need to express myself even though I don’t want to share this story with too many people I know closely. I want to keep it for myself and only spread my story anonymously. The pain of having a miscarriage later in pregnancy had never occurred to me previously as being so permanent, so deep, so unnatural. For me it happened very early but this experience has taught me that in life you will never really understand how it feels until it happens to you. Probably our bodies know best and it is only our mind that doesn’t understand. I only hope for everyone who is in the same situation or that has gone past the same situation that you all, we all, find comfort in our paths. Hold tight to your loved ones and find strength to start again being the blessed generators of human existence.

This story was sent in on 25/08/2014

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