I miscarried a few weeks ago.
Doing the sums I must have only been three and a half weeks pregnant when it happened. I didn't know I was pregnant, I didn't know I even could be (I was diagnosed many years ago with PCOS and was told it was unlikely I would conceive or at least see a pregnancy full term, and I had come to terms with that a long time ago). As a result I didn't realise it was a miscarriage at first.
However, it just didn't seem right, nothing like I've ever had in a month before, and after some web research including coming across this amazingly supportive website, I came to the conclusion that it must have indeed been a miscarriage.
I am not a religious, spiritual person, far from it, but when I stared down at what there was I had a choice: I could focus on and mourn the death of this tiny little life for the rest of my life or focus on the little spirit that I felt was alive certainly in my heart, because when I realised this had been my baby-to-be I suddenly felt overwhelmed with love. I didn't know s/he existed, I hadn't bonded with him/her, I didn't even know him/her, but at that moment just knowing s/he had existed, even for such a short time, I fell in love with him/her more than any other member of my family. And I knew I would always feel that love for that little spirit.
What was in my hands was dead tissue, but what was in my heart was alive. Of course I have since thought about the 'what if', but I much rather think of "my little spirit" who yes will never grow up, will never go to school, will never get married, and will never have children of his/her own, but s/he will remain a sparkle of spirit, nothing negative, nothing hateful, nothing bad, nothing painful, just pure, innocent, beautiful love.
As a result I smile every time I think about him/her. It stops me focussing on the physical death, and more on the live spirit. I just don't want to look back on this tiny little, short life as a death, but rather a moment that filled a cynical old cow like myself with love. It's helping me come to terms with what happened.
If you are reading this after a miscarriage, you are not a bad person, you didn't do anything wrong, nothing is punishing you, and you are strong and brave and wonderful. The pure, beautiful little spirit you created will always be alive every time you think about him/her. Some may say it was easier for me because I wasn't expecting and preparing for a baby. May be, but I certainly bonded with my baby-to-be on his/her physical death and I do cry about it ... but then I think of him/her as a beautiful little spirit and that keeps me going. "My little spirit", I will never forget you and I thank you so much for being in my life and filling me with your pure, beautiful love x
Editor's CommentThank you, that is a lovely way to deal with your grief and loss even if you had not realised you were pregnant until after the miscarriage. It is amazing how a mother bonds with her baby even at such an early stage of pregnancy and I am sure your sadness was for what might have been.
If you feel that you need someone to talk to please call the national helpline 0300 4000 999 or log onto Online advisor find Online advisor for miscarriage support. There is also the miscarriage association that offers discussion forums and Online support.
This story was sent in on 24/09/2014