I miscarried a few weeks ago
Firstly, may I thank all you brave, wonderful women for sharing your experiences here. I know it wouldn't have been easy but I hope it has helped you to deal with what has happened to you, in as much as your bravery in sharing your story has helped me when I miscarried a few weeks ago. I was on my own and abroad at the time, but you made me feel I wasn't alone and you gave me the strength to deal with what happened the way I have chosen to deal with it.
Doing the sums I must have only been three and a half weeks pregnant when it happened. I didn't know I was pregnant, I didn't know I even could be (I was diagnosed many years ago with PCOS and was told it was unlikely I would conceive or at least see a pregnancy full term, and I had come to terms with that a long time ago). As a result, I didn't realise it was a miscarriage at first.
However, it just didn't seem right, nothing like I've ever had in a month before, and after some web research including coming across this amazingly supportive website, I came to the conclusion that it must have indeed been a miscarriage.
I am not a religious, spiritual person, far from it, but when I stared down at what there was I had a choice: I could focus on and mourn the death of this tiny little life for the rest of my life or focus on the little spirit that I felt was alive certainly in my heart, because when I realised this had been my baby-to-be I suddenly felt overwhelmed with love. I didn't know s/he existed, I hadn't bonded with him/her, I didn't even know him/her, but at that moment just knowing s/he had existed, even for such a short time, I fell in love with him/her more than any other member of my family. And I knew I would always feel that love for that little spirit.
What was in my hands was dead tissue, but what was in my heart was alive. Of course, I have since thought about the 'what if', but I much rather think of "my little spirit" who yes will never grow up, will never go to school, will never get married, and will never have children of his/her own, but s/he will remain a sparkle of spirit, nothing negative, nothing hateful, nothing bad, nothing painful, just pure, innocent, beautiful love.
As a result, I smile every time I think about him/her. It stops me focussing on physical death, and more on the live spirit. I just don't want to look back on this tiny little, short life as a death, but rather a moment that filled a cynical old cow like myself with love. It's helping me come to terms with what happened.
If you are reading this after a miscarriage, you are not a bad person, you didn't do anything wrong, nothing is punishing you, and you are strong and brave and wonderful. The pure, beautiful little spirit you created will always be alive every time you think about him/her.
Some may say it was easier for me because I wasn't expecting and preparing for a baby. Maybe, but I certainly bonded with my baby-to-be on his/her physical death and I do cry about it ... but then I think of him/her as a beautiful little spirit and that keeps me going.
"My little spirit", I will never forget you and I thank you so much for being in my life and filling me with your pure, beautiful love x