We went for our 12 week scan only to be told "I'm sorry..."

By anonymous on 02/10/2014
We went for our 12 week scan (I would have been almost 13 weeks along) only to be told "I'm sorry..." The baby never made it, yet I had all the symptoms of pregnancy. We opted to miscarry naturally and I went into full labour about 5 days later- it was painful, awful and I delivered our baby (sac).
I thought the worst was over until I began haemorrhaging and ended up in the hospital for an emergency d & c. My grief is overwhelming at times. I'm needing to head back to work where no one knew I was even pregnant (we were going to announce the great news after the scan).

We have 3 children together and my husband really feels content with the ones we have so his grief is just not the same as mine right now. In fact, he has easily moved on from the news while I am left to cry and miss the baby.
The hardest part is that I am older and most likely won't be even able to have another child. My husband has told me to "move on" and I feel like he feels I should be able to process this and be ok since we do already have great kids. I'm not there yet. I am not sure when I'll even be there.

My heart is broken in two.

The dream of having a baby is now gone, my baby is gone and while I know the baby is safe in heaven I miss the baby so much. I have accepted the reality that this baby is not coming back (something I begged God for before the natural miscarriage started). The few people who know, while they do try to be supportive, have tired of me being upset and they too have moved onto other stories in their own lives.
I know the healing process won't happen overnight so I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other while attempting to get ready to go back to work and still function as a mom for my kids. It's hard. Really, really hard. I'm still hormonal, my body still thinks it is pregnant (My beta HCG levels are high) and I'm bleeding and recovering from surgery. I would not wish this upon anyone, ever. I imagine too that my baby's due date and the impending arrival of our friend's children who have a close due date too will be difficult.
I pray too that my husband is able to fully understand this grief- that I'm not crazy- that what I am experiencing is normal. Maybe it is good there is one "sane" person in our relationship- he's functioning well and is only upset for me. Maybe I'll be that person someday too.

Editor's Comment

It is extremely upsetting to lose a baby through miscarriage, and your grief is very normal and understandable. When you are the one carrying the unborn child, you have a very real and intimate relationship with your baby, and this can make the loss much more significant for you. Give yourself time and space to grieve and don't feel bad that you have not got over it quickly. It can take weeks, or months to come to terms with your loss, and it is just something you have to go through at your own pace. If you need help and support, or just a listening ear please contact CareConfidential for miscarriage support. or call the national helpline. There is also support from miscarriage association

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