To my horror, I started bleeding and having mild cramps just a few hours after taking the test.
It wasn't that I was unhappy with my life. I love my family and my life. I just felt something was missing. I took my problem to God. I asked that my desire for a child be taken away or that my husband would change his mind. I would love to say that God answered my prayer immediately. God does things in His time, not ours. So after years of this I had tried to resolve myself to the idea that we would never have another child.
Recently I was a little late for my period. I brushed it off. I have been on birth control pills for a long time so I figured I wasn't pregnant. I took a test and the line was faintly positive. I bought a digital test just to be sure and it was positive too! I could not believe it. I hadn't had any symptoms, I was in shock. My husband and I tried to process what had just happened while I scheduled an appointment with an OB to confirm.
To my horror, I started bleeding and having mild cramps just a few hours after taking the test. Although my bleeding was like a light period, it was definitely not spotting. I passed a small clot the next day and was an emotional wreck.
I went to my OB appointment already preparing myself for the worst. This was day #2 of bleeding. I did not have much hope. When my doctor came in she was smiling and told me congratulations. I was confused. I asked if the pregnancy was confirmed and she said the urine test was positive. I told her everything that had happened and she did a pelvic exam. She said that everything looked okay and that my cervix was closed. We then went to a room where she did a trans-abdominal ultrasound. She was not able to see anything but said that it was probably still too early. I was given prenatal vitamin samples and sent to the lab for a HCG level to be drawn. The next day my results were back. The level was 390, which was normal for an approximately 5 week pregnancy. I was starting to get excited.
After all the years of hoping, it had finally happened. In the back of mind though I was trying to be cautious. I was still bleeding and that may be a sign of a miscarriage. I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I would swing from one emotion to the other. One minute happy, the other sad, the next worried. I felt like I was losing my mind. During this time we told a few family members as we needed all the prayers we could get. I went to my pastor's wife and told her too. I got prayed for at church which helped me immensely.
Emotionally, I felt better after being prayed for, but I was still bleeding. On day #6 of bleeding (like a light to moderate period) I got my HCG levels repeated. I did not get my results until after 7 pm the next day. I was a nervous wreck.
To my disappointment the levels had decreased. They were now 310. The doctor who spoke with me (this was a covering physician) informed me that the pregnancy was not viable and that I would need to be followed until my HCG levels returned to normal. She assured me that it wasn't my fault and that I could try again later. I was devastated. I did not explain that my husband would not want to try for another child, that we hadn't tried for this one. That even though it was a surprise that we would have loved it. I sobbed and sobbed on the phone. I apologized to her and thanked her for calling me. When I hung up I had to quickly regain my composure as I was at my daughter's volleyball game and did not want to draw attention to myself. I cheered for my daughter while inside my heart was breaking for the loss of this baby. I cried while my husband held me.
I called the OB office the next day and was told to go get another HCG test done as the numbers were not dropping as quickly as the doctor would like them too. I informed the nurse that after 7 days I had finally stopped bleeding. I repeated my test yesterday but the office was closed today so I will have to wait the whole weekend for results. I am still on an emotional roller coaster. I have been praying almost non-stop. I feel so confused. This feels like a bad dream that I cannot wake up out of. I know that it was an early pregnancy, but it does not make it hurt any less. I am grieving right now for someone that I never met, but longed to.
I know what people will say, that it is better that it happened now and not later. That something must have been wrong with the baby. My husband has been awesome through this. He is so supportive. I serve a good God. I may not understand why he chose this path for us but I will praise Him in this storm. My heart will heal in time, I know. God is with me. He has never left me and He will not forsake me.