I thought this meant a perfectly easy and enjoyable pregnancy.

I got engaged to my fiancée on June 5, 2014. Knowing we would be married soon, we began actively trying to get pregnant. I found out on July 24th that I'd get to be a mommy. We bought all of our closest friends and family little baby starter kits with bottles and binkys to tell them the good news. I was never nauseous, my breasts were so tender that I couldn't wear an average bra, and I ate everything in sight. I thought this meant a perfectly easy and enjoyable pregnancy.

On September 8th, my lower back hurt while I was visiting with family so we went to bed early. I woke my fiancée up at 2 o'clock in the morning and told him that something wasn't right. I had an ultrasound scheduled for 10 a.m. but I wanted to know what was going on so my grandmother drove us to the hospital because I'd begun having contracts and he was too overwhelmed to even speak. As I stepped onto the hospital parking lot, I said "I think I just peed." I sat in the wheelchair and my grandmother touched the wet spot on my pants and she slowly turned the tissue up and it was the brightest blood I'd ever seen. I had contractions for two days and bled for two and a half months. I began to lactate a week after my first contractions. Everyone tried to be helpful, "it wasn't your time", "just try again", "let your body heal", "you guys are just making a name in your careers, put this off for five years." My cousin and best friend found out they were pregnant around the time I did. My best friend is about to have a healthy baby boy and my cousin is having a third daughter. I'm supposed to be in their delivery rooms and I resent them. I don't want pictures of their bumps and ultrasounds. I don't want to pick out baby names. I don't want to be a godmother. I want to be a mommy and I want my husband to be a daddy.

Editor's Comment

Miscarriage is an incredibly sad and difficult experience to go through, and I am very sorry for your loss. As you say, when others try to make you feel better about it, it really doesn't work. You need to allow yourselves to grieve for your loss for as long as it takes, talk about the loss of your hopes and dreams, and choose something that will always be a remembrance of the life of this precious little one.
This story was sent in on 22/01/2015

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