I’m not ready, emotionally or physically, I feel like there’s something wrong with me, like I’ve failed as a woman

I had a miscarriage at about 7 weeks in May. I went through a lot emotionally by myself as the father blamed me for the situation and although we were in a relationship at the time he decided not to show up and left me to deal with the miscarriage alone.

[More experiences of miscarriage at 7 weeks and 12 weeks of pregnancy]

That was the end of the relationship, I was devastated. On top of the loss of my baby, I lost the person I considered the love of my life and he showed me an ugly side of him I didn’t think existed.

In my heartbreak I found a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. A close friend who stayed up many nights listening to me vent and cry. We grew close and eventually fell in love. We had a picture-perfect romance for months and things moved very rapidly, he was to move in and we were actively trying to get pregnant.

This experience was so different. We were so happy, we picked out names, we shopped for clothes. We both had an inexplicable feeling that it would be a girl and planned accordingly even if it was too soon. We spoke about her as if she was already here. How she’d have his perfect eyelashes and my charming clumsiness.

At my 12 weeks check up I was told there was no heartbeat and again I was devastated. My options were to wait for a natural miscarriage, take a pill to help the process along or have a procedure done.

I chose to wait for it to happen naturally. 2 weeks past and I still had every pregnancy symptom, it was horrible knowing it was over and still feeling everything.

After the 2 weeks, I took a pill to help speed things up. My mother insisted I stay with her and I insisted I just wanted to go home alone until it was all over.

That night I was in incredible pain and as soon as I’d change my pad and stood up, clots the size of my fist came out and the bleeding was too much.

I went to the restroom about a dozen times that night and every time I had soaked through my clothes. In the morning my mother came in to check on me and found me unconscious hemorrhaging on the ground. I have no recollection of fainting.

I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and there I was told there was tissue stuck and I couldn’t afford to lose any more blood. They took me in for an emergency D&C I remember bits and pieces between consciousness.

Again I was devastated. I thank my mom for convincing me to stay with her, if I had been alone in my apartment I would’ve been unconscious and it could’ve ended a lot worse.

It’s now January and I’m recuperating from surgery trying to make sense of it all and grieving. Putting away all the pink baby clothes I won’t need anymore. Trying with all my might not to fall apart.

My boyfriend wants to try again and as much as I really want a baby I’m not ready, emotionally or physically. I feel like there’s something wrong with me like I’ve failed as a woman.

The due date for my first pregnancy was last week and I know I’ll be fine but still, I feel a little piece of me was chipped away with each miscarriage.