I don't think anyone or anything prepares you for how you will feel when you lose a baby.
She said I may get my 12 week scan earlier because of it - I didn't. I actually had it when I was exactly 12 weeks. That day is a complete blur to me when I think of it now. It is about two months ago, although parts of it are still very clear. I went in for my scan and luckily had my husband with me. I think I realised straight away something was wrong. With my other children, straightaway there had been a little blob with a beating heart. With this scan there was nothing.... just a black hole.
The lady who was doing the scan said nothing at first and in fact seemed completely emotionless through the whole thing. She said she would have to do an internal scan but deep down I think I realised there was little point. There was nothing, a missed miscarriage, a sac, they said, and blood round the side. The woman spoke. 'This is not good news,' she said. Those words still ring in my ears.
I was sent to emergency gynaecology, where I sat with my husband for two hours before I could see a doctor. The waiting room had blue walls and I sat there sobbing periodically and trying to hide my face from the other patients waiting. The doctor gave us the options and I opted for an erpc (d&c) operation as I just wanted it all gone and didn't want to wait. I had the operation two days later. I lost a bit more blood than I should so had to stay overnight. That was two months ago. I still feel empty some days but it does get easier with time. I feel for anyone who has ever been through this and I try and focus on the fact that I will have another baby one day....
Editor’s note: Thanks for sharing your story with us…It’s a terrible disappointment to go through a miscarriage when we are looking forward to having another child. Your heart has engaged with the pregnancy and bonded. When that bond is broken, naturally or unnaturally, the emptiness, loss, grief, sadness, lack of understanding as to why – even the guilt for some - can dominate our lives for some time. We have to go through a season of emotional pain, which is difficult in society that avoids pain and sometimes even refuses to accept it. If you feel you are getting stuck in these emotions, you may benefit from some support from your nearest centre so that your heart can recover and find hope again. Just get in touch and have an initial chat to see how you feel.