A late miscarriage at 14 weeks

I have recently separated from my partner of 8 years, and the separation has surfaced a lot of un-addressed issues surrounding the 6 miscarriages I have suffered in the last 5 years.
5 of these loses were very early, all under 8 weeks,but one was a little further along, and its this time in my life I can't seem to move on from.
I was 14 weeks pregnant when I was rushed into A & E in agony. Minutes later my tiny baby left me. At this point we already had a 6 month old son together, this pregnancy had been a surprise but a happy one. I got home and felt totally numb to start with, I couldn't even hold my son.

Then the empty feeling started.

I had a huge hole I desperately needed to fill. I don't remember much of my son's first year, it was like a thick fog had fallen over my life, all I really remember is being obsessed with getting pregnant again. I subsequently had a further 4 miscarriages, until finally giving birth to our second son in 2007. I felt that hurt melt away the instant they placed him in my arms. But after he was born, the hole was still there.
In an effort to make it work, my partner and I got married in 2008. I recently had another miscarriage, at 6 weeks, and 4 weeks later I am a single parent and I can see my husband and I are not right together. But the hole in my heart is back, and I don't know how to move on from the moment I lost my tiny baby.I also feel terribly guilty for the times I don't remember in my eldest son's life. I'm trying to stay strong for the children at this difficult time, but I am teetering on the edge of breaking down, I don't want to fall apart, but don't know how to stop it.

Editor's Comment

Miscarriage is often a difficult and painful loss that is hidden and hard to acknowledge. People often talk about moving on, and a new baby making up for the loss, but grieving for the baby you lose is important and accepting that loss as unique and impossible to replace is important. At Careconfidential we have found that supporting women like yourself who have suffered a major loss is really important in order to work through emotions and be able to move on from the experience of that loss. If you would like help and support we have trained advisors who can take you through a programme of post miscarriage loss to help you to work through some of these emotions. please ring the national helpline 0300 4000 999 or follow the link to find advisors in your area find a centre for miscarriage support in your area.

This story was sent in on 30/04/2010

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