An abusive relationship that ended in baby loss

When I was 16 I had my first serious relationship. I loved him and I still do even though he treats me badly.
He seemed lovely when I first met him I thought he was the nicest guy I'd ever met but he changed. He's never complimented me and never defends me I'm just a piece of meat to him. He started shouting at me, ignoring me and threatening me and it makes my cry thinking how badly he's treated me. He's an alcoholic and is an angry drunk and one night tried to rape me.
I kept on kicking him until he got angry but I felt so disrespected. I'm terrified of what he might do to me days before that incident he tried to force me to have sex with his friend. I started getting a weird taste in my mouth and noticed I was bloated and got tired easier so I took a pregnancy test and realized I was pregnant. I was so scared I didn't know what to do so I tried calling him but he never picks up to me, and never replies to his texts. I tried looking for him but I couldn't find him.
I have never felt so alone in my life I wasn't ready for a kid and I couldn't face going to the clinic and getting an abortion so I took a lot of pills and drunk a lot of vodka and started getting severe pains and that was when my baby died. I will never forgive myself for my selfish decisions and I will never stop loving him but I can't do this anymore all he does is hurt me and he's never made me feel good about myself and only hurts me and is never there when I need him.

Editor's Comment

I certainly think you are worth a lot more than being treated in such a way that devalues you as a person. Even though you feel that you still love this man, it seems to be a very destructive and damaging relationship, and I would cut all ties you have with him. If you are still struggling with the loss of your baby please contact us so that we can help you with these difficult emotions and support you.

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