A surgical abortion

I met my boyfriend when I was 8, we got on like a house on fire from the moment we met. He had a hard life and went into care. We lost touch years later we reconnected and there it was again that electric that flowed through us. I felt like I was given a gift from god. He was perfect to me, in reality he wasn't he had a load of issues but to me, to this day after everything I'm about to tell you. I still love him. He's still part of me.
We'd been reconnected a couple of years, we'd been together a year, I began having really vivid dreams about a baby girl. I cried every morning when I woke because it was just a dream and I felt so happy in my dream. If I could have never woken up from it I would have. My life was crumbling beneath my feet and that baby in those dreams, she gave me hope. She gave me purpose. She was meant for me, I was meant to carry her she was meant to be part of me. She was meant to be part of us.
We talked about our future how we'd love to have kids, how I'd always wanted to do it properly the marriage and babies bit, be a proper wife and mother. After a while it seemed like that was all we talked about, all we fought about. We talked about this dream and fought about how we were too young. One day I broke. Would it be so bad? To have this little angel? To have this thing that was my destiny. She already had a place in my heart.
We didn't try we knew we were too young I was 16 years old for crying out loud. Then my period was late two months in a row, both times I tested I was negative. Both times my heart broke a little bit more, I knew it wasn't realistic. But it broke my heart I just wanted her so badly more than anything in the world. So we began trying. He couldn't see me hurt anymore and I knew I was falling apart. I was mourning over something that wasn't even there. We only tried for a little while. We never got pregnant, we only tried 2 or 3 times. Then I said I wasn't in a mental place to have a child, I was unstable my life was unstable. We stopped.
Then out of no where a month later. Bam! Late period. I ignored it I mean, they'd been late for months, then the symptoms I'd always get before a period; spots and painful boobs. They came and went. I just felt inside I knew.

I knew I was pregnant. I was scared.

But inside me I just wanted to cry I would finally get her. I'd get to see her,touch her after all my months of dreams that turned into a nightmare. She would be mine.
Then it was time to tell our parents. They went mad. Obviously. I was sat down and really told all the realistic things I already knew, I only had a part time job, my boyfriend was still in college. We had no house, no car, no savings. It was stupid. I couldn't have a baby. Our families said they'd support us but made it clear what they wanted me to do in their own way.
I knew I had to make the decision, he couldn't do it, it was my body. He wanted me to keep it, they wanted me to abort it, I was so confused I wanted the morning sickness to stop. I wanted to sleep again, I wanted to have a night without worrying restlessly and throwing up all day. But I wanted her so badly.

I was so confused. I told my boyfriend I needed space to decide.

He was a mess over it. He asked me to marry him. Then a few days into our time apart he called me and told me he wanted me to get rid of it, he wasn't ready, I wasn't fit to be a mother. I couldn't make that kind of commitment yet. I couldn't be a child and have a child.
That was it, I'd have no boyfriend, little family, no money, no place to live, no dreams and my little baby. How was I going to feed her? How could I teach her when I hadn't lived yet? she deserved so much better.
I knew I couldn't do it without him. That was it. It was over.
I stopped all contact with him.
I went to the clinic with my parents I was fine, I was normal. I remember being smiley and wide awake then boom out I went. I woke up and I felt like me again. I chatted to the doctor I ate my sandwich I went home.
I was fine for a few days. I had expected to be fine I was always so strong. I always did what had to be done.
Then last week, 2 weeks in it hit me.
That little blip I accidently caught a look at in my scan. That was a soul, a heartbeat, my angel, and I let her slip away.

I got rid of it, I got rid of that little baby I spoke to on the way to hospital.

I told it on that car journey that mummy and it would always look after each other. And I killed it.
Sure, now I can meet a stable guy, go to college, make my dreams come true but after a few days of being strong, I'll break down like now I've been up all night crying. I looked up how far along I was. It would have had eyelids. Eyelids! It had a heartbeat, and fingers and toes and eyelids. I will never ever be able to get that baby back and I don't see how I will ever move on and forgive myself right now. That was inside me, and I got rid of it, like it was nothing. I hate myself everyday. I can't enjoy life because I hate myself for it. Every sip of alcohol I think was it worth it, when I laugh with friends, or cuddle that old teddy in bed I ask myself is this worth it? Is any of this really worth giving up my baby for.
Turns out I blocked my boyfriend out and he really wanted to be there, he really wanted for me to keep it. His family made him call me, told him it was the right thing to do to convince me that he wanted nothing to do with me, that he wanted out.
It was all a lie. Everything. I will never, ever forgive those people. If I ever see them god help them because all hell will be unleashed. I say that but I know it's not true. Because I know I don't blame them. I blame myself. I did it not them. I went through with it I was well aware of what I was giving up.
I know I couldn't have brought up a child, that I didn't have the money, I was scared I'd lose my dad and my boyfriend. Well anyone considering what to do consider this; I had an abortion 3 weeks ago,and since then my dad has kicked me out for keeping in touch with the baby's dad to talk to the baby's dad about it all. My boyfriend and I have since broken up because we can't handle it. My mother resents me for bringing this on our family, says I brought it on myself. My friends that all wanted to be godmother are nowhere to be seen.
I had a close family, I had a close group of friends. I found my soulmate. I felt if I had them I'd be okay, I'd get through it. My father can't forgive the fact I still love the dad after the pain he caused me of going through the abortion alone. I've spoken to him twice since he kicked me out. My mother was my best friend in the whole world and now I feel like every word she says no matter how nice is fake. My boyfriend wants me to be able to move on, and my friends well they don't talk to me because I'm depressing. So all those things that were so important that you'd lose? You can lose them anyway, except now that's my reality, I've lost everything even my stupid part time job and I still dream about that baby except now they're nightmares because my little blip on the screen is gone.

Editor's Comment

Your hopes and dreams had been to have your own baby for years so you have a big loss to come to terms with. It is also very hard to know that you made your decision because your boyfriend told you a lie, which must make you feel you were manipulated into doing what his parents wanted. It sounds as though you feel you have lost not only the pregnancy but a number of key relationships in your life. That is a lot of bereavement to face and I think you would be helped by some counselling support through such a difficult time. Please contact CareConfidential so that we can link you up with some help. You can call the national helpline, log on to Online advisor, or follow the link to find a centre for post abortion support in your area.

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