I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, how could I be so stupid

By anonymous on 08/10/2014

I met my baby's father in 2011. I was 17, going through a bad time, and he was like my soul mate, I'd never loved a man before and in a matter of weeks, he had me.

Then his mate told me he was engaged to be married. I confronted him and he and his mate came to blows over it, he then cried to me and told me it wasn't true, and I, like an idiot, believed him. I should have run away and never seen him again but I didn't, we carried on and I then became pregnant at 18.

At 6 months pregnant he told me he had a child with another woman and that he wanted to stay with her. It burnt me, I went crazy, my mental state is ruined, I had a child and stayed with him because I was afraid of my mother, my friends, and the world seeing me as a single mother. I told his wife and she didn't believe me. He emotionally abused me.

I'm going through severe depression, I went through a lot of bad things in the past, I'm afraid of other men, I'm afraid of bringing another man into my son's life in the future. I feel like my life is over. The depression is killing me, I get aches all over my body and find it difficult to sleep at night. I have random panic attacks.

I don't know what to do, this secret is eating away at me, I have no friends because I don't want anyone to see us not living together. My mother lives abroad and my daddy died a few months ago. I love this man, I want to leave him but I feel trapped, sometimes things are good and other times he doesn't answer the phone to me and when I try to talk to him he ignores me and calls me a liar.

I want to work to distract myself but I can't, I can't leave the house, I haven't had a day to myself since my baby was born. I'm only 20 and I'm at the end of my tether... I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, how could I be so stupid?

Editor's comment

It sounds as though the man that you have fallen in love with has not been honest with you and is unable to support you or care for you. It is worrying that at 20 you are feeling so low and trapped in your own home, and in a way living a lie because you don't want anyone knowing you are living alone. I think that you could do with some help with your depression and panic attacks from your GP. It would also help to have some support in the community where you live. Please contact a centre so that they can signpost you to the help you need.

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