I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, how could I be so stupid

I met my baby's father in 2011. I was 17, going through a bad time, and he was like my soul mate, I'd never loved a man before and in a matter of weeks, he had me.

Then his mate told me he was engaged to be married. I confronted him and he and his mate came to blows over it, he then cried to me and told me it wasn't true, and I, like an idiot, believed him. I should have run away and never seen him again but I didn't, we carried on and I then became pregnant at 18.

At 6 months pregnant he told me he had a child with another woman and that he wanted to stay with her. It burnt me, I went crazy, my mental state is ruined, I had a child and stayed with him because I was afraid of my mother, my friends, and the world seeing me as a single mother. I told his wife and she didn't believe me. He emotionally abused me.

I'm going through severe depression, I went through a lot of bad things in the past, I'm afraid of other men, I'm afraid of bringing another man into my son's life in the future. I feel like my life is over. The depression is killing me, I get aches all over my body and find it difficult to sleep at night. I have random panic attacks.

I don't know what to do, this secret is eating away at me, I have no friends because I don't want anyone to see us not living together. My mother lives abroad and my daddy died a few months ago. I love this man, I want to leave him but I feel trapped, sometimes things are good and other times he doesn't answer the phone to me and when I try to talk to him he ignores me and calls me a liar.

I want to work to distract myself but I can't, I can't leave the house, I haven't had a day to myself since my baby was born. I'm only 20 and I'm at the end of my tether... I'm so ashamed and embarrassed, how could I be so stupid?