I had an abortion after a drunken one-night stand but really wanted to keep my baby

I got pregnant after a drunken one night stand with a close friend. A week later, I realised I was a few days late and had been feeling really sick and emotional that week. I took a pregnancy test just to rule it out and to my surprise, it came up positive.

I rang my friend in tears because I was so shocked that I was actually pregnant, but to my surprise, it did put a little smile on my face because I loved the fact that there was a little baby inside of me. When I told the father, he was very supportive but made it completely clear that he did not want it and then went on holiday without a word.

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I didn't know what to do and I didn't have a lot of money and I didn't know if I was ready to raise a child. I decided on abortion and my dad booked it for me as I couldn't bring myself to do it, and besides, everyone including my friends and family was telling me to get rid of it.

My dad and I booked the abortion and I cried for ages afterwards because I knew deep down that I wanted to keep my baby but kept telling myself it was for the best. The few days leading up to it, I cried every day and night and to make it worse if I mentioned it to my friends they would go all cold and distant.

The day I went for it was so emotional, I cried the whole way up there thinking 'I can't do this, I want to keep my baby'.

It was over in a few minutes, my little baby gone

I cried throughout the whole of the procedure and the nurse said to me 'are you sure you want to do this'. I wish I could go back in time and just jump up off the bed and say 'no I want to keep my baby'.

Afterwards, I didn't feel much better, I lay in the recovery room crying and thinking I had just made a huge mistake because I wanted my little baby and I was thinking I could have raised my child, I could have done this and besides that, I wanted too.

To my little one, I'm sorry mummy wasn't strong enough to bring you into this world. I'm sorry that I took away your little life. I will always love you so much, you will always be with me !! Love you lots x

This story was sent in on 28/09/2011

Editor's comment

A lot of what you say suggests that you were never sure about your decision to have an abortion. Even when you first found out you were pregnant something inside of you was excited. Your tears and emotional pain leading up to the abortion indicated the struggle you were having to try and deny your true feelings. I am very sad that there was no counselling, or support at that stage to help you to think through your decision, and to be really sure what was right for you.

I do believe there is a way for you to work through your emotional pain and come to a place of peace. Please make contact with a centre where you can get support with post-abortion recovery - follow this link to find your nearest centre.

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