Since deciding on the abortion I haven't felt happiness

By anonymous on 11/12/2011
medical abortion abortion 9 weeks

I'm 15 and I was pushed into an abortion by my 17 year old boyfriend 3 weeks ago. We've been together for 5 months.

I wanted to keep the baby. I was 9 weeks pregnant and I felt amazing.

When we found out I was pregnant, my boyfriend was devastated, but I was so happy.

I had the abortion because my boyfriend kept bribing me and guilt-tripping me into believing that if I kept the baby, I would destroy his life and his family. He made me feel terrible.

I understand the legal side of things, and his worries about that. He is also going to university next September and I also understood his worries about that too.

But he kept going on at me about how much I would ruin his life, my feelings about the abortion didn't come into it. He didn't listen to what I had to say.

I felt so strongly about keeping the baby

I know I'm so young to be a mother, but I would have tried anything to bring my baby up the best I could.

I heard somebody say "you never know how strong a mother's love is until you feel it" and it's true. I loved our baby with all my heart, and I was willing to go to any lengths to give it the best life possible.

3 weeks ago I went through with the abortion, and I'm suffering so much for it.

It's the biggest regret I have, and I have so much hatred for myself. I don't know anything but pain and I've become suicidal. I've had mental health issues in the past, but they cleared. Now they're back. I can't sleep because I have horrible nightmares and I cry all the time.

Since we decided on the abortion, I haven't felt happiness

I'm not getting any support. My family knows, and they're trying their best to support me but nobody understands the pain I'm feeling so nobody can help me.

The abortion itself was the most painful experience I've ever had.

I went into a hospital on a Saturday to take a pill which would cut off the baby's blood supply.

I then went back on Monday, where a nurse put 4 tablets into my vagina that made my uterus contract. I had to suffer contractions for 7 hours before my womb emptied.

The stuff that came out was caught in a kind of bowl that was sitting in the toilet. I was told not to look at it, but I did. The bowl was filled with a lot of lumpy blood, apart from a little white person lying in the bowl.

That was my dead baby.

The image sticks with me all day everyday. I'm still bleeding now, and the pain is horrible. But it's nothing compared to the emotional pain I feel.

I'd do anything to turn back time to keep my baby and love him/her forever

I've lost 2 stone in weight because I can't eat, and I'm suffering from depressive and panic symptoms.

Now I write letters to my angel in heaven all the time. I've got a Christmas present waiting to be sent up, and I asked Santa just to keep my baby safe, warm and happy for Christmas. I'm not religous, but I believe that my baby is up there waiting for me to join.

My opinion is that abortions are wrong, and I've always believed that. I beg everyone who is considering having one just to think of their options, and don't let anybody push you into it, no matter how much they mean to you.

I wouldn't wish this pain and suffering on anybody. Don't turn out like me. Like I said, I know I'm young, and people can criticize me all they want. But I don't care what anyone says about me, all I care about is trying to get my baby to forgive me for what I've done.

Editor's comment

I am very sorry for the loss and grief that this abortion has caused you. Many of the things you describe in your story point to the fact that abortion would always be a difficult option for you. At the heart of your values you feel that abortion is wrong, and so abortion would always feel like a betrayal of you as a person. You also felt pressurised into the abortion by your boyfriend, and many women who feel pressurised into the decision, struggle with regret afterwards. The fact that you were so happy and excited to be pregnant indicates your longing to continue the pregnancy even when you knew it could be difficult. I would really encourage you to get some help with working through your grief and loss. It is something that could fester inside of you and make you feel more and more low. It will take courage and determination, but there are counsellors who will understand what you are feeling and they will be able to help you to work through your grief. Please follow the link to find a centre for post-abortion support in your area.

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