We named you to help us grieve for you
Firstly I need to tell you that me & your daddy have decided to name you. I know a lot of people do this to help them grieve for their unborn babies.
That's exactly what I need to do for you.
Even though the midwife said she thought you were a baby boy we couldn't be 100% sure because at your scan you turned away, so we've decided to choose a name for each just in case. If circumstances had been different for me & your daddy, you'd of been born in to this world named either Oscar or Jasmine, names both me & your daddy love.
It's taken me just over a week to write this, I've had so many thoughts go running through my head but I now feel like I am ready to give you the least you deserve, an explanation.
I remember the night I found out I was pregnant with you, I was so happy, I had so much love inside of me, and I know deep down your daddy was happy to.
If money grew as easily as love did, ending your life and sending you to heaven would not have been an option, but it's not that easy.
There was no way we could afford to give you everything that you would have wanted, needed and deserved to grow up into a happy and healthy child, but don't think for a second that because of our choice you weren't loved.
I grew to love you the more you grew inside of me, and I know your daddy loves you too. I think you knew who your daddy was because whenever I had tummy ache, he'd put his hand on my tummy and the pain always used to go and I'd have a sensation a bit like I had butterflies in my womb, it takes a lot these days for your daddy to show his emotions but he kissed your scan photo once and he cried a little the night before it all happened, and he's cried since.
I can't speak for the rest of our family and how they feel but I know they'd of loved and cherished you just as much as we would have.
When we found out I was pregnant with you the first people we told were mine and your daddy's moms, two of your grandparents. They were both very supportive and told us that if we decided to keep you we would get by because there are families a lot worse off than us who manage.
The same night I found out I was carrying you, I had no sleep, I just held my tummy thinking about what you'd look like, what we'd name you, what it would be like to hold you for the first time. Now I know that I'll never forgive myself for never being able to see your first smile, be there for you when you cry, never hearing your first word.
After a couple of days I knew I had to do something whether it was book me in for an antenatal appointment or a termination, and it breaks my heart to say it but we opted for termination.
Throughout your first ultrasound scan I felt nothing but love for you, a sort of love that cannot be compared to, I loved hearing your heartbeat and even now every time I close my eyes I can hear it, I'm so so sorry.
You doubled in size from the time I had my first ultrasound up until the day you were aborted.
That day you had been inside me for exactly 18 weeks
This would have made your actual due date 15th April, you'd have been an April baby like your mommy which would have made us both diamonds, you'll always be my diamond now.
I'll never know if you were put through any pain or not the day your heart stopped beating but I really really really hope you weren't. All I ever wanted to do was protect you and love you the way a proper mommy should.
I was put to sleep so I wasn't conscious when you were taken away from me, but since then I've felt empty, like a massive part of me is missing, and I promise you now that there is nobody that will ever be able to fill that gap.
There was a radio playing on the ward while I was waiting for it all to be over and done with, I didn't pay much attention to anything that day, not much sunk in, other than the songs on the radio, before I was put to sleep a song called Wake Me Up by Avicii was playing, then Emeli Sande - Clown came on, and once I was moved to the theatre room the surgeon had How To Save A Life by The Fray playing.
I'm not sure whether this was just ironic or what, but it's stuck in my head and I can't listen to any of those songs without bursting into tears now. I couldn't cry the day that I'd let you go, I just felt numb.
Every day since I have cried for you and wished I could have you back in my tummy where you belong.
I'm finding it so difficult to be without you, more than most people realize, it's hard for me to go out and see new born babies, my heart breaks every single day. I love and miss you more than I thought it was ever possible to love and miss anything.
I was scared that if I chose to have kept you that I'd be left on my own. I keep thinking of the days and nights that you were still here, how being sick all day and all night reduced me to tears, how I got through cans and cans of air freshener because I couldn't stand the smell of the cats food, it was awful at the time but I'd give my life if it meant I could have that back right now.
I plan to keep your memory alive, some people might find it hard to understand why when it was our choice to end your life but others will understand that we didn't want to do it but we did for the right reasons, I hope.
I will never ever forget you, and I'll make sure your daddy doesn't either. Each mother's day and father's day is going to be such a struggle for me to get through now knowing that we should have you as our precious reason to celebrate it, your due date is going to be tough to, but your daddy has been amazing to me, more so now than ever, and we'll get through it knowing that you're looking down on us.
I now know for sure that life is the most precious thing
I'm going to make the most of my life in respect of yours that we selfishly took away from you.
I don't know if I will ever know for sure that you forgive me and your daddy for the choice we made but I really hope you can as I'm finding it really difficult to forgive myself.
I'll do my very best in life knowing that you're up there with the rest of the angel babies watching over me and your daddy. I hope that one day when the time is right I'll be able to meet you properly, and then I can be the best mommy to you, but until then I'm going to make you proud, and make sure your daddy does the same!
Always remember that you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed, you are always in my thoughts.
With genes like the ones you had, I know you'd have amazed us and made us a very proud mommy and daddy!
You will always have your own place in my heart and each time the stars are out we'll look up to the sky knowing that the brightest star is you.
I'm more sorry than words can do justice for. Nobody will ever understand.
Sleep easy my little angel, lots of love, mommy. xXx