I think it's important for women to know you can feel at peace with your decision afterwards

I had an abortion yesterday at 6 ½ weeks. I am 38 years old with 2 loved and amazing children, 7 and 3.

The positive pregnancy test was very unexpected, but my immediate reaction was “we can't do this again”.

I loved having babies and being pregnant, but we have spent the past 7 years always a little short on money and a lot short on time.

I find myself just barely finding the patience and time to be the mother that I want to be to my 2 children.

I have just started working almost full time again and my paycheck is making all of the difference for us.

I told my husband and he agreed that an abortion was the best decision for our family. Of course the decision was not that easy and simple to make.

Over the next two weeks waiting for my appointment, I continuously oscillated from deciding to have the baby that we could do this to being sure we could not and should not... Sometimes several times within and hour.

I think what made it so hard was knowing the intense love that I feel towards my children and knowing that I would have the same intense love for this little being. I mean who doesn't want more of that!

One way I came to a final decision was in many moments throughout the day, I asked myself, “how would this be with a baby?” and each time I realized that the answer was harder and more stressful. I knew that despite all of the hormones and fantasizing over a dreamy little new born, that another baby really would negatively impact all of us.

I was a mess in the clinic. I mean tears were really flowing. I had doubts about what I was doing and I just kept thinking about how I needed to stick with my decision because my rational brain knew it was best.

The procedure was quick and easy. I went home and felt sad and down for the rest of the day, but I swear, I woke up today and I feel... normal. It is so strange, but as all of the pregnancy hormones have subsided, and now that I am no longer in the decision making phase, I am finding that I am slipping back into my life as it was a few weeks ago and I feel OK.

I will always have a little question in my mind about what if we had had a third, but the heavy sadness has already dissipated.

I wanted to share my story because I think it is important for women to know that you can feel emotional and conflicted leading up to a termination and then feel at peace with your decision afterwards.

This story was sent in on 06/04/2015

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