I keep wondering if I made the right decision, one that I can live for the rest of my life

By anonymous on 17/06/2015
surgical abortion abortion 14 weeks

I had an abortion this year at 14 weeks pregnant. The reason it was left 'till this late was that I was on holiday for 2 months and a week. When I returned to the UK I took a pregnancy test, at my local clinic the following week, to confirm I was pregnant as I was unsure.

Straight away my decision was to abort the baby as I felt like I couldn't keep it because it was from a one-night-stand with someone I knew but was not seeing or in a relationship with. I didn't want to tell the person I slept with, as I hadn't spoken to him since the night I slept with him.

I wanted to go through with the abortion by myself so I told my best friend as I felt like she was the only person I was comfortable telling.

I went to a clinic in Cardiff where I had an ultrasound scan to confirm how many weeks pregnant I was - at this point, I was 13 weeks.

They gave me an appointment for the following week for an abortion in a clinic in Bournemouth where I would have to travel by car or public transport but someone would have to be with me on the day of the appointment.

I really didn't want my family knowing I was pregnant because there'd be too many complications and the fact that I am Muslim, and have a Muslim family, made it hard for me to tell my mum or any other members of my family. Also, my mum was away the week of my appointment, for work, so I didn't want to tell her and stress her out.

I was getting really stressed as I didn't know how I would get to my appointment in Bournemouth which was about 2 and half hours drive away from where I live. I didn't want to speak to the person I slept with as I was ashamed and embarrassed about getting pregnant - I always thought sleeping with someone once would never get you pregnant - turned out it can.

All I kept thinking was if I hadn't have gone on holiday I could've sorted it out sooner without being stressed. I eventually told my best friend that I had an appointment booked on Thursday, the following week after my appointment in Cardiff.

She then told her boyfriend the same night. He's the brother of the person I slept with. He told his brother about the whole situation and I had a phone call from the person I slept with the next morning.

I spoke to him briefly about me being pregnant and I could sense straight away he wanted me to have an abortion. He didn't say it in so many words but I knew because he asked the day and time of my appointment and said he'd take me up there, which was a relief for me as I had someone to take me to the appointment and to be there with me.

We didn't speak much until Wednesday night when he booked a hotel near the clinic so we could go up the night before the appointment. The appointment was on Thursday at 10 am.

We drove up Wednesday night and stayed in a hotel. We didn't speak about the abortion at all, nothing happened between us and I went to sleep as it was pretty late and I was tired.

The next morning we got up and made our way to the clinic. He came into the clinic with me and sat with me and it was nice to have someone there with me.

I had a nurse take me to a room and speak to me about the abortion and if I was sure I wanted to go through with it. I confirmed that I was sure that it was what I wanted. I was then escorted to a waiting room where I had to wait for a doctor.

We both sat and waited and talked about holidays, work etc. and I felt fine. Shortly after a nurse came to call me to have the procedure (vacuum aspiration) which can only be done at 9-15 weeks of pregnancy. At this point, I was 14 weeks pregnant so I could have this procedure.

When I went with the nurse, the person I slept with went off to the local shopping centre as he wasn't allowed to come into the room, where the procedure was going to take place, with me. I refer to him as the person I slept with because he wasn't a boyfriend or someone I was seeing, also I don't want to mention his name.

So I was taken into a room where I was told to get undressed and wear a green nighty thing they gave me. I was then taken to the operating room where I lay down on a bed and was put to sleep under a local anaesthetic. The procedure took 10-15 minutes and I woke up in a recovery room shortly after.

When I woke up I was in a lot of pain and discomfort and I burst out into tears. I don't know why but I started crying. The nurse tried to calm me down and she helped me off the bed and sat me in a wheelchair. I was then taken to another room where I cried a little more and I don't know why I just kept crying.

The nurse gave me some paracetamol for the pain which eased it. There were refreshments in the room and I had a cup of coffee and a biscuit. The nurse checked my blood pressure which was low so I had a glass of water to drink and I ate some biscuits to get my blood pressure normal.

Once it was normal I was allowed to get dressed and was told to sit in a canteen where they had juice, tea, coffee, biscuits, cheese and crackers. I was told to eat and drink some refreshments until I was allowed to leave.

After about 10 minutes of being sat in the canteen, I was allowed to leave. A nurse gave me a letter and some antibiotics before I left.

I rang the person I slept with to come and pick me up and I waited in the front of the clinic for him.

In the waiting area, as I waited, I felt sick and was being sick, and didn't feel too good. When he picked me up we drove straight home. On the drive home, we didn't speak much at all about the whole abortion and I didn't feel well so that was partly the reason why I didn't speak much.

I got dropped off home and haven't spoke to him since the abortion. It's been nearly a week now since I had the abortion and I keep thinking about it like I almost have a feeling of guilt. I keep researching a babies development at 14 weeks, and how abortion is done at 14 weeks, and it has really changed my mind about having it done.

I almost feel like I wish I never had it done because it was a baby inside me. Before the abortion I didn't think or feel anything towards it but now I have a feeling of regret and I can't get this thought out of my head.

I think the reason why I feel like this is because I never spoke to the person I slept with about the pregnancy because we both just had the similar kind of agreement that the abortion was the best option.

We both have a child each from previous relationships, I guess what I'm trying to say is cos I already have a child I just keep getting this feeling of regret that I could have kept that baby as well, and I should've done research on abortions and a baby's progress at 14 weeks.

I just keep questioning myself, wondering if I made the right decision, one that I can to live with for the rest of my life. I hope I can get through this feeling of regret.

I've told my story because I want other girls in my situation, to really think about their decision to abort and to research it first. When you actually book an appointment for an abortion and go to it, they don't make you aware of the whole procedure, or the development of the baby at how many weeks pregnant you are, so please do make sure you are 100% sure with your decision. I thought I was but now I am having some regret and a feeling of guilt. I hope as the years go on I can forget about this as I am really struggling to cope with it at the moment.

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