All these girls looked fine and relieved and I wanted to shoot myself

By Ann on 11/08/2015
surgical abortion abortion 11 weeks

I remember wondering when I was going to get my period... Finally, I took a pregnancy test, it came back negative. So I waited longer, my mom knew I hadn't had my period either, so she bought me another one.

This time, it came back positive. I was shocked and I remember my mom looking at me with disgust and disappointment. I had never felt so much of a failure as a daughter at this point. All I could do was cry and cry and apologize.

So many things were rushing through my head, I couldn't tell my dad, what would my friend say? I'd be the schools new laughing stock. My mom chose not to tell my father until we figured it out, she told me to get rid of it. I was already attached though. She bribed me, she blackmailed me, she threatened me, everything.

When I went to the doctors I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time, and I needed to decide what I was going to do soon. But I couldn't.

My boyfriend and I were in love with each other and our child. But we were only young teenagers (me 15, him 18) and we couldn't afford a baby, nor support one on our own. We couldn't burden our parents with another child to take care of. Hell, I could barely work at my age!

So many thoughts were running through my head. One day, my boyfriend and I got into a pretty heated argument. He laid his hands on me (while pregnant) and told me all these heartbreaking things like he didn't want a child with me, and I was just a piece of trash. You could only imagine how much more this stressed me out.

I refuse to bring a child into this world that wouldn't be raised right. How could I choose to spend the rest of my life with a coward like that? On top of things, the law was getting involved because he was 18 and I was a minor. My mom told me if I chose to keep the child she would lock him up.

I just wanted what was best for everyone.

I'll never forget 3/18/15. I walked into the clinic... girls everywhere. Some seemed fine, others seemed like they were about to have a mental breakdown. I grabbed my papers and sat down. I filled them out and waited...

Finally, I was called in to talk to someone before the final procedure. All I could do was cry. I told her I didn't want to but I thought it was best. I stayed strong and continued even though I wanted to scream and run out of that horrific place as fast as I could.

When I got called into the room, they gave me an ultrasound to see how far along I was. I was exactly 11 weeks and 3 days. I was straining to see the screen so the polite nurse turned it my way, and when I saw my baby I lost it. I cried like no other.

I saw my baby's head, I saw my baby's body. And all I could do was think about how sorry I was and that this child didn't deserve what I was about to do... But I couldn't bring my child into the world unable to support it.

The nurse held me and told me to breathe. I finally calmed down. About an hour later they took me back.

I was so nervous I could barely breathe. They lay me down and started to strap my legs down... I started having a panic attack. I kept asking a million questions and I asked for my advice nurse to come in but they said there wasn't time. They stuck a tube in me...

All I remember was looking up at the doctor and holding her arm as tight as I could screaming no. Then I was put to sleep.

I woke up in a different room with a hand full of other girls. I was confused. I looked down and there was blood all over. I started to cry again realizing what I had done.

I looked over at the other girl who had done it without being put to sleep, I asked her if it was scary. She replied no and that this wasn't her first time. I was horrified. All these girls looked fine and relieved and I wanted to shoot myself.

Walking out was very awkward. I didn't say one word to my mom. As soon as I got to the car I started throwing up. I have never told my mom how I felt, nobody at that except my boyfriend. He was just as devastated as I was. He doesn't understand though. I feel like a part of me is missing forever.

I would do ANYTHING to have my child back. I pray a lot and ask for strength and forgiveness from God. I pray that my child is up in heaven living the life that it deserves. There's not a day I don't ball my eyes out thinking about what I did. I would give anything to take that one mistake back.

My mom knows I'm screwed up because of it. She started sending me to a counsellor because she knows I won't talk to her, it doesn't help though. The regret will always be in me. I will never forget the horrible thing I chose to do.

All I can say is at the time, I thought I was doing what was best for everyone. But I promise it will be the worst mistake of your life. Sometimes I find myself almost hoping I'm pregnant again... I know that sounds messed up.

I know I didn't have the child, but I still had the connection. No one will ever understand a mothers love for her child until you experience it. It is the best feeling in the world, please please please learn from my mistake. NEVER choose what I did. You can do it, no matter the circumstance. Don't live with the regret I do every single day.

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