Raised in a very strict Catholic family in my mind it wasn't one innocent child but two
I found out I was pregnant at 18, just one month before I was set to start my freshman year of college. I took a test 10 days after my missed period and it came back instantly positive. I was in complete shock and I was absolutely terrified being that I was so young.
The next morning when I got home I called the boy I knew to be the father and told him I needed to talk to him. We had been in a very unhealthy, friends with benefits, relationship for 7 months and I knew he didn't care for me and would not be there for me if I had the child so I decided an abortion would be the best option.
He picked me up and I showed him the test and he just went silent. I told him I would deal with it and he told me he would help in whatever way I needed and that reassured me a little.
He took me to Planned Parenthood that day since my car was in the shop and I couldn't drive myself and I made an appointment for two weeks later for my first appointment.
He stayed with me all day and we talked about the pregnancy and I began to think that maybe an abortion wouldn't be so bad if I had his help and support like this the whole time. Being that I was raised in a very strict Catholic family, I could not tell my parents and had to keep everything very secret, so the father was the only person I had to help me through this.
Although he started out very helpful, he soon began ignoring me and being very rude and I began to feel so alone and I became very scared and started regretting my decision to have an abortion. I let him know that I wasn't sure I wanted to go through with it and he got very angry and told me this was the only choice and I had to do it.
I cried daily and my nausea was too much to bear. The father told me he wouldn't have any money to help pay and so I had to work over 80 hours in less than two weeks to afford the abortion that I no longer wanted to have.
The day before my first appointment he told me he would give me a ride to the doctor, but he would not be able to pick me up because he had plans with his friends. I had no idea what to do and ended up going to the appointment without knowing how I was going to get home.
At my appointment, my nurses were wonderful and helpful and helped me to choose medication abortion as the best choice for me but when they broke the news that I was 6 weeks pregnant with twins I was inconsolable.
I had been raised to believe that abortion was murder so in my mind I was not murdering just one tiny innocent child, but TWO. I told the father that it was twins and he blew it off and it became evident to me that he did not care about the pregnancy one bit and he was not going to experience even a tiny bit of the overwhelming heartbreak that I went through constantly.
I called my friend to pick me up and told her everything and she listened to me and told me I could stay at her house the day of my abortion since I couldn't be at home.
The father continued to be absent and I stupidly continued to try to make him care, only hurting myself more in the process. I asked him to be with me for my appointment and he told me he would be out of town.
The week leading up to my abortion I was distraught and took off work for many days because I was unable to function normally.
The day of the abortion I drove myself to the clinic and sat in the waiting room. As I looked around I realized every woman in there was not only at least 10 years older than me, but they also all had men holding their hands.
I felt so young, I was just a baby myself, but I was harboring two babies inside of me and yet I had no support from any man. I was completely alone, I just wanted to break down. I cried my whole appointment and the nurses tried to comfort me but it was no use and I took the pills and left still in tears.
The next day I went to my friends and took the other 4 pills on my own because she was in cheer practice. I fell asleep and thought she would be there when I woke up, but instead I woke up to a text from her saying she had to be with the cheerleaders for some bonding thing and so I was alone all day.
The pain was tolerable and not an awful experience but I did bleed very heavily at one point and the blood gushed out of me as I sat on the toilet and I believe I passed one of the babies during this time.
As I looked through social media to pass the time, I realized the father had lied and was not actually out of town, he just didn't want to have to inconvenience himself by being with me for an hour.
I went home that night to babysit my baby niece and I cried all night as she lay next to me sleeping because I loved her so much and yet I loved my unborn babies even more and knew that had I had them, the love would have been 10 times as much for them.
The next morning I went to church with my family and spent the day with them attempting to keep myself together.
The next day (today) I went to my sisters to babysit my niece and I had some mild cramping and bleeding still. We went out for dinner and I excused myself to go to the restroom. Something told me to look down as I sat on the toilet and when I did, I saw a grape sized sac coming out, I caught it and looked at it and soon realized I could see my tiny baby curled inside and I felt like my heart was going to explode. I had never felt so much pain in my life.
I called the father sobbing in the bathroom and he listened for a minute, told me I was overthinking things, and then rushed off the phone. I went back into the restaurant and talked with my sister like I had not just had my heart ripped out and then I left.
I sat in a parking lot and cried until I decided to call my friend and she stayed with me and we talked until I felt better. Now I'm laying in bed and I feel so guilty and heartbroken and sad and regret everything and can only hope that I feel better soon because I'm moving out of my house and away from my family for the first time ever for college this weekend and I don't think I can handle this sadness in a new city, where I know nobody.