My baby came out alive when I had a medical abortion at 14 weeks
I'll give you a little back story on me first. I have a 7-year-old, two years later I was pregnant with my second and miscarried at 15 weeks, I have a 14-month-old and I was pregnant with my fourth. My husband and I want more children, however, we had just moved out of town and into a new place, and our financial situation wasn't the best.
Though we wanted more children we came to the conclusion that right now just wasn't the best time for us and our existing two children. It wasn't an easy decision however we felt we were making the right one for our family at the time.
Medical abortion - no big deal I thought
I did some basic research and talked to Drs about my options and decided that a medical abortion seemed like the best option for me. From what I was told by the "professionals", it seemed I'd take the pills and within 4-8 hours the abortion process would be completed.
The fetus will pass undetected as blood and tissue
I'd have bleeding and some cramping for around a week after and it would Just feel like a heavy menstrual period. "The fetus will pass UNDETECTED as blood and tissue and I may experience some clotting". No big deal, that doesn't seem too bad is what I thought...
Everything I read on the internet and watched on YouTube about other people's stories told me roughly the same outcome but described it more similar to a miscarriage.
After a miscarriage at 15 weeks, I thought I knew what to expect
I have experienced a miscarriage at 15 weeks so I thought I knew what to expect. I already knew that my experience from the miscarriage was a lot harsher than a "heavy menstrual". However, it was not at all like the experience I had with my abortion.
With the miscarriage, I began to bleed and discovered that my baby no longer had a heartbeat and I was beginning the miscarriage process. I had bleeding, creeping and I was passing clots. However, my body was unable to pass the fetus naturally and I had to go in for a D&E (dilation and evacuation of the uterus).
I never saw the baby and I had light(ish) bleeding for about a week after, no more than the average menstrual. I was upset about losing the baby but it was out of my hands... unlike the abortion and my experience with that.
So here is the story about my abortion experience
I am going to give full detail about my experience and what can be expected. I took the first pill (Mifepristone) and immediately began to feel guilty. However, I thought "it's too late now, what's done is done and there's no going back".
I was wrong by the way... if you begin to feel guilty and decide you no longer want to go through with the abortion you have an option to get a high dose of progesterone, that may help reverse the effects of the Mifepristone.
It's not guaranteed, however, it may give you some peace of mind knowing you tried something. It can ONLY be taken after the first pill, once you take the second round of pills (Misoprostol) there is no reversing it. If you don't choose to get the progesterone shot but still don't know if you can go through with the abortion and haven't taken the second round of pills (Misoprostol) one of three outcomes may occur.
- One, you could experience a full abortion without even taking the second round of pills (Misoprostol).
- Second, you may experience a partial abortion. Meaning that the fetus is no longer viable and the fetus, blood, and tissue never pass. If this happens you need to seek medical attention, where they will more than likely perform a D&E to extract the remanence.
- The third outcome is that nothing will happen. You will still be able to carry your baby to term without any side effects, abnormalities or birth defects. I wish that was something I knew about because after I swallowed the pills I knew I made the wrong decision and I wanted to take it back. But I was naive and uneducated.
My cramping began 5 minutes after taking misoprostol
The next day I took my second set of pills, the three Misoprostol, and no more than 5 minutes later the cramping began. 10 minutes after that the first huge gush of blood and clots came out.
I figured I was passing my baby - I was so wrong
I felt sick with what I've done. The cramping soon turned into what I could easily distinguish as contractions from my experience with my other children. For a couple of hours afterward, I continued to bleed very heavily and pass golf ball-sized clots. During that, I had figured that I was passing the remains of my baby within those clots... I was so wrong.
At that point I was bleeding so heavy and passing so may big clots that I couldn't leave the bathroom. I was switching between the toilet and shower. The contractions were getting so strong and closer together and I was throwing up at that point (same as when I was in labor with my other children).
Finally, the bleeding lightened up some and I decided to go lay back in bed and not long after I had a huge gush of blood and the strongest urge to push. I knew at that point THIS was the baby coming out. I yelled for my husband and we ran into the bathroom.
I instinctively cupped my hands as my baby fell into them
I could hardly get my pants down and as soon as I squatted over the toilet another huge gush of blood and a yellowish fluid burst out. Immediately after I felt it I instinctively cupped my hands under me as my baby fell into them.
I was in pure shock and had no idea what to do or think, all I could do was cry, I felt so awful. He was still connected to the umbilical cord and me. I quickly moved from the toilet and got into the tub.
I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes
The umbilical cord was still partly inside of me and I tried to pull on it so I could detach him from me. As I did so I could not believe it and I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes.
As I tugged on the umbilical cord his little legs kicked!!!
I Just broke down and started bawling uncontrollably. All I remember was screaming "he's moving, he's still alive!! How could we do this!? We're monsters!!".
My husband thought I was insane, he kept saying there's no way it's still alive. He grabbed the scissors to cut the umbilical cord and as he did he saw for himself as his little feet were kicking at us... it was the most gruesome, heartless thing we had ever seen in our lives.
I couldn't believe what I'd just done
I couldn't believe what I had just done to my poor baby... a minute or less after we cut the cord he stopped moving and we placed him in a towel, he was gone.
All I could think was how in the hell could this have happened. It was supposed to be like a "menstrual", he was supposed to pass "undetectable", he WASN'T supposed to be alive!
He was much, MUCH bigger and more developed than I was led to believe. I wasn't even supposed to be able to see him. He was about 7 inches from head to toe, (HE HAD TOES! PERFECTLY FORMED TOES), his head was the size of a half dollar or bigger. He had hands, fingers, arms eyes, mouth, nose, legs, feet, toes and little boy parts.
He was undeniably a baby
He wasn't just a bunch of cells or clots of bloody tissue. He was undeniably a baby, you couldn't miss it or mistake him for anything other than what he was.
Not long after the contractions picked up again and I was pouring blood, I was devastated and in pure shock. I couldn't handle anymore so we decided to go to the hospital. I was filling a pad every 10 minutes or so and still passing huge clots, the doctor had to pull out the placenta and the contractions stopped shortly after that.
When the physical pain was gone the emotional pain took over
But as soon as the physical pain was over the emotional pain flooded my body and took over. I have never felt so guilty and disgusted with myself then I did at that point. I'm still to this day having a hard time coming to terms with what I did.
When we got home my husband found a little black box. We wrapped him in red gift wrapping paper, placed him in his tiny box and buried him in the backyard under the rose bush.
Everything I read about it said I was supposed to flush him or wrap him in my pad and throw him in the trash. He was a fully developed (for the most part) BABY I couldn't just toss him like that, it didn't feel right.
I'm not trying to scare people about abortion
I'm not telling my story to try and scare people, I'm telling it because I know if this happened to me that there is someone else who has had a similar experience. I also want to inform someone contemplating one to give them the raw truth without sugar-coating it, for a lack of better terms.
I'm not saying you're going to have the same outcome and experience as I did. However, I will tell you that it is not as smooth sailing as a menstrual period and you may actually see your baby as a result of your abortion.
The "cramping" is more like full blown labor contractions and you do have options if you decide to take a different route after the first pill.
Make sure you have a support system
I advise anyone thinking about it to do all the research they can before making a decision. Try talking to someone who has experienced an abortion first hand and make sure you have a support system.
I don't know how I would have done it, and continue to go through it, without him. He has been so supportive however I still feel alone at times.
Even though we are both having the same feelings about the situation and have mutually agreed that there is absolutely no reason we'd ever go through with one again and wish on everything we could take it back.
He can never know exactly what I'm feeling. He's the only other person that knows about the pregnancy and abortion but he can never know what it feels like to carry a baby inside you, the physical pain I went through to give birth. The physical pain of the abortion, the continued pain, and bleeding for weeks after the abortion, the constant reminder of my mistake every time I go to the bathroom to change my bloody pad. The hormones and the emptiness I now feel without my baby inside me.
We have the constant reminder of what we did every time we walk into our backyard. It was our choice to put him there but I knew there was no way I could have thrown my little baby in the trash or down the toilet...
I never thought of the emotional effects of abortion
I would never recommend a person to have an abortion... but I will always be their support to help them come to a decision and come to terms with their choice afterward.
I never thought of the emotional effects it would have on me, I struggle to be happy. I don't even know how to be happy because I feel even more guilty wanting to not feel guilty..my personal self-esteem has been crushed I hate myself for what I have done and I have never felt like more of a monster and an ugly human being as I currently do.
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