He said "I'm sorry it looks like you're having a miscarriage"

Although I never met you I hold you forever in my heart! At 8 weeks pregnant I lost my baby, and it honestly felt like the worst feeling in the world.

I'm already a mother of a very handsome little boy. Becoming pregnant with my son wasn't planned at all. I was only 15 at the time I got pregnant with my son but I fought & struggled to raise my son.

A year and a half later I met my boyfriend and just 8 months into our relationship I got pregnant.
I wasn't sure if I was ready to be a mother to 2 children, but as I thought about it there's no greater feeling than being called mommy!

So at 6 weeks I made an appointment to get checked but my appointment was 3 weeks away, and as I waited for my appointment I started feelin' little pains and I started to bleed a little. I had done some research and had read that bleeding was sometimes common at the beginning stages of pregnancy so I paid no attention to it... the day of my appointment I went in and got confirmed I was pregnant so they scheduled an ultrasound right away.

As I laid there thinking I was finally going to get to see my little angel and hear his or her heartbeat, there was complete silence ...

There was no heartbeat

There was a visible tiny picture which they had told me that was my baby. I asked whether not hearing the heartbeat could be because my baby was still small. They told me it could be so I ignored the negative thoughts and focused on waiting for another ultrasound which was scheduled 1 week later to see if they could see any improvement.

All I remember is one night feeling like I had wet the bed

I headed to the restroom and I saw I was soaked with blood. I quickly ran to the bedroom to see that my whole side of the bed was filled with blood. I woke my boyfriend up with a scream, as he woke up his face was in shock when he saw all the blood on the bed.

We quickly rushed to the emergency room, and I got blood taken, iv's hooked on me, pelvic exams, and one ultrasound! I had nurses in and out of my room, but finally after 2 hours of waiting to hear some kind of news the doctor came in.

You're having a miscarriage

He looked us in the eye and said, "I'm sorry it looks like you're having a miscarriage". My heart sank, I broke down in tears and continued like that the whole way home.

Returning to my doctor immediately the next day he told me I needed to have surgery to remove everything inside me, my heart once again sank I couldn't even think that I was going to have my baby removed from inside me!

He explained to me I needed to have a d & c procedure and that it would be quick and I would get discharged same day as soon as I woke up from surgery. It was scheduled the next day at 10:30 am.

The next morning we headed to the hospital, I got hooked up to iv's and waited to be taken for surgery. I couldn't help but cry as I waited. I don't really remember much about the surgery I just remember waking up feeling empty...

Feeling like crying until I couldn't anymore!

The doctor came in and told me I was gonna have to stay in the hospital for 5 days due to an infection I had.

It's been 5 months since my surgery and I still think about my baby every day, and I still cry just thinking that right now I still would have been pregnant waiting on my baby's arrival.

There's days I feel like it's my fault, my baby was inside of me, and was depending on me to live and I let him down. I love both him and my 2 year old very much, I feel like inside I'm screaming and crying at the top of my lungs!

I write to my baby hoping that he knows that I loved him very much! I know that although I miss him I know he's in a better place!

It's more than a blessing being called mommy and I take advantage of every minute I spend with my son!

Baby, I know you're in a better place now but just know that I love you beyond words and I'll hold you forever in my heart!

This story was sent in on 16/03/2013

Editor's comment

This was obviously a very wanted baby and you must feel the loss deeply. It is natural to grieve even with a loss in early pregnancy, and you may still have hopes and dreams of what might have been. Please contact your nearest centre to get help and support for miscarriage.

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