At 19 weeks, I just went and had a termination not realising how developed my precious baby was

By anonymous on 04/02/2008
abortion 19 weeks

I’m a deep person, really heartless at times. I have a little boy who’s nearly three. At the time, I was fifteen, scared, alone, shocked.

I thought my life was over. My baby’s father denied paternity. I was only fifteen, two weeks before my 16th birthday, in total denial of the fact of being pregnant. I didn’t acknowledge it. I thought ignoring it would make the issue go away, but it obviously wasn’t the case.

At seven months pregnant I went into hospital with my mum and had a baby boy. I had to be induced as I was ill with pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure was sky-high.

Now he’s the best part of my life

My little boy weighed 4lb 1oz. He was so tiny and ill, he came out not breathing and he had to be revived. He was then taken straight to an incubator and placed on a heated mattress. I didn’t bond. It took me all my time to leave my bed and go and see him.

Looking back now, I feel enormous guilt and pain to know that at that present moment, I didn’t know if I wanted him. Now he’s the best part of my life even though it’s the hardest, most stressful thing I’ve ever done.

Then pregnancy struck again

Then this year, pregnancy struck again. Those two lines appeared. I was that sixteen year old again, alone, vulnerable, scared, confused. I couldn’t make up my mind whether to continue the pregnancy or not.

I didn't realise how developed my baby was

I changed my mind at least a thousand times. I was extremely confused. Then at 19 weeks, I just went and had a termination not realising how developed my precious baby was. I took away a precious gift without thinking.

Guilt and pain stop me sleeping

Now the guilt and pain stops me from sleeping. I feel like I deserve punishment. I had battled decision-making for so long. When I did decide to terminate the pregnancy, my baby was fully formed.

I know I made the wrong decision. I felt every one including myself was disappointed with me and somewhat disgusted but at the same time I would have been a single mother yet again. I hate myself for putting myself through that.

I'm pregnant again and feeling pressured, alone & scared

Then two days ago, yet again pregnancy has struck so here I am facing a decision only I have to make but yet live with. I feel pressured, alone, scared!

The baby’s father thinks I would be selfish to keep the baby and I think it’s selfish to shake off responsibility of an unborn child. A child’s life is priceless. I wish he knew that terminating these children is leaving me crippled with pain...sorry xxx 

Editor's comment

Thank you for sharing your story so honestly with us… It sounds as if you are in a very vulnerable and confused place, full of love for your son, full of pain because of your late termination and now facing another pregnancy alone and unsupported. Although you had a difficult start as a mother, you know now that your son is precious to you. You know as well that you are in great pain as a result of your late termination; suffering guilt, shame, grief, unable to sleep, wanting to pay by being punished, even hating yourself for it. You are not a heartless person. It’s precisely because you do have a heart that you are in such great pain. Now you are under pressure again, but you already know deep down which path is better for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You already know in your heart and from experience which path will bring you pain and which one will bring you well-being. It's just that your head is telling you one thing but your heart is telling you something else. Now is the time to have courage. I think it would really help you to have some ongoing personal support from your nearest pregnancy centre. Please get in touch with a centre.

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